If I Don't Have You

I

t had been several sunrises and sunsets without her little flower and there had been not a single sign of her. To try to keep the pressure off of her family, she did her best to cover up the sorrow that stirred in her soul since Daisy's disappearance. Every once in a while one of her children would find her staring off into space as she drowned in the most volatile emotions she had ever experienced. She was thankful for them pulling her from the depths when they did.

It was at night, in the quiet of their den and the dead of night that it always hit her the hardest. The darkness had swallowed her baby and it threatened to swallow her too. At least then, perhaps it would bring her steps closer to where Daisy had gone, for she was beyond her reach where shadows malevolently separated them both. Curled up against Cian, her body trembled as she cried softly into her paws, trying to weep as silently as she possibly could while her family slept soundly.

@Cian

art and code by Yahtzee-Penguiduck

THREAD TITLE MUSE

T

he days were long and painful. But the nights were pure torture. The Eithne clan had searched all about in the days that had passed without any sign of their missing daughter. It was almost as if she had vanished. But he knew there were other more likely explanations to Daisy’s disappearance than magic. The possibilities were endless, and a barrage of ideas constantly filled his thoughts. What if she had been carried away by a large bird? She was so tiny, it was entirely possible. Or what if she had fallen into a stream, and was taken away by the rushing waters?

These dark worries haunted him as he lay awake, anxieties he would never say to his wife, to his children, or to anyone… as if speaking the words aloud would seal her fate. And most nights, he was awake, despite his efforts. Daisy was only weeks old, barely weaned, and her absence was worse than losing a limb. He did his best to be strong - or, at least, to appear strong, for there were still five pups that looked to him for guidance and strength.

But he didn't feel strong. He didn't feel much other than a grief that had nearly consumed him. The soft sound of crying pulled Cian from his abysmal thoughts, and he dow at his wife, searching for Clover’s rosy pink eyes with dark amber sights. The sight of her was like being drowned, his heart dropped and he bit his lip to keep from breaking down, as well.

We have to get out of here.

Slowly, he began to move away, hoping that Clover would follow his lead and leave the pups sleeping. He would tiptoe away from the den before his own sorrow took hold of him, body and soul, and the giant wolf began to sob beneath the stars.



@Clover

art and code by Yahtzee-Penguiduck

C

ian's heat suddenly shifted away from her and she looked up in confusion, sniffling as she watched him disappear from the den. Her gaze flickered around the den, spotting Summit curled up protectively around his sisters and so long as they were watched over, she felt safe enough to leave them. Clover stood and scampered quietly after her mate and when she did find him, the state he was in made her heart shatter all over again.

“Cian...?" Her voice trembled when she spoke and before he could acknowledge her presence, she moved forward and swept her behemoth of a husband into her arms. She nestled her face into his chest and released the tears that she had been holding back. Holding each other in their shared grief, she realized just how selfish she had been in trying to hide it from him or her family. It was somehow better to ride these waves of sorrow together.

When the tears finally dissipated, leaving only sniffling, she lifted a paw to his chest to stroke the dampened fur there apologetically. “She's...she's not coming back...is she, Cian?" Her voice wavered as she held back another round of tears. She clung to him tighter, horrified with herself that she would have even said such a thing out loud. “She was so fearful of the dark, Cian, and...and she could still be out there in the dark...in the dark and alone and scared and I told her that would never ever happen and I lost her, Cian! I lost her!" She became more heightened before giving into sobs that shook her entire frame.

@Cian

art and code by Yahtzee-Penguiduck

In

their shared years together, Cian had never seen Clover in a sad state. And this was a grief Cian had never considered, not for them, not for baby Daisy. There had never been cause for such sorrow in their happy home, no reason for tears except for joy. Nothing could compare to this loss, nor the torrent of emotions that made his chest ache. Clover buried her face into his fur, and the forlorn parents wept beneath a starry sky.

His shoulders sagged with the weight of the world, dull ember eyes cast downward, blankly fixed upon the space just behind her as Clover asked: ”She's...she's not coming back...is she, Cian?" His lips parted as if he was going to speak, but no words could firm on his tongue when his mind was in chaos.

Finally, he choked out, ” She’s — not coming back to here.” He shook his head, resting his chin gingerly on his wife’s head. ”She would have come back already if she could. She could be anywhere.”

He could hear the desperation in her voice, in the way she cling to his much larger form. Every word was another dagger to his heart — he knew how Daisy was, his unlike her much more adventurous siblings. The final words his wife cried: ”…I lost her, Cian! I lost her!" Cian’s entire body shook from snout to tail. ”There’s — please, don’t do this to yourself, Clove. It just — all of it, it doesn’t make sense. Something must have happened.”

The pain of the loss was compounded by the grief of all the others. Cian could do nothing protect them from this sadness, nothing to make it better or easier. Maybe if he had been there, things may have gone differently…


@Clover

art and code by Yahtzee-Penguiduck

C

lover tried to catch her breath between shivering gasps and sniffling as she leaned on Cian. She felt weak, energy completely exhausted from her form. She could feel him shaking as he spoke and she held tight to him, wanting to make it all better after she'd failed their family. Her husband was quick to hush her, claiming none of it was her fault and that something must have happened. All of the scenarios she could possibly think of were difficult to swallow and she squeezed her eyes shut to try to dismiss them before leaning back and blinking up at Cian.

“Do you think she's still out there? She has to be right? I would have...I would have felt it..." Pink hues lowered as she lifted a paw to place it over her heart, clutching her chest where she felt the empty void that Daisy had left behind. “We can't give up on her Cian...she...she's so brave and so smart...and kind...why would this happen to her?" A few more tears slipped from her eyes and she blinked them away, shaking her head. “We have to keep looking...we can never stop...not until we know.”

@Cian

art and code by Yahtzee-Penguiduck

”Do

you think she's still out there? She has to be right? I would have...I would have felt it..." For a lingering moment, Cian was silent, save for the heavy breaths he drew in and exhaled. Clover’s closeness, their shared warmth was a comfort, but it wasn’t like before. There was a heaviness there that had never occurred during their years together. Nothing could compare to this uncertainty, the depth of this loss. ”I do think she’s out there. Somewhere… And we won’t give up on her. Never.”

Why would this happen to her? There was no easy answer to his wife’s inquiry; Cian fell back into utter silence as he thought about it. Daisy was smart, undoubtedly, but she had never been as bold as her siblings. It just didn’t make sense… a sob slipped past the brute's guard, but he quickly clamped his mouth shut. Clover was distraught enough. She didn't need to take on his grief, too.

He cleared his throat, searching his tangled thoughts for the right words. He had an idea, but he was not certain how his wife would feel about it. His voice was low, melancholic: ”I think that it would be best to keep looking, just not here. All of Rionnach could be keeping Daisy away from us. It’s so big…”

”And she could be in any place. Not just the Highlands, or the Lowlands…” He stopped short of mentioning the Mainlands, a place he deemed to be the worst part of the entire island world they existed in. ”If we don’t try to look now, beyond the fae forest, we might not get another chance.” He sighed, finally saying outloud what he had been considering: "I believe we should leave the fae forest and look elsewhere, Clove."



@Clover

art and code by Yahtzee-Penguiduck

H

earing the conviction in his voice, knowing that Cian would never give up on baby Daisy either...it was the greatest comfort. She felt as though she could breathe a sigh of relief and buried her face into into Cian's thick. They were both silent now and she could feel his body trembling, holding back his own grief. She tilted her head back, searching his face before giving his cheeks tender licks anticipating wiping away the flow of his tears that she wished he would let go of.

When he did finally speak again, it was to offer a strategy on searching for their little girl. Clover listened with furrowed brows, staring off into space as she absorbed what her mate was saying. And then he mentioned...leaving the Fae Forest. The mother's jaw instantly tightened, a cold chill running through her as she stiffened before slowly looking up at him again. “No...you can't be serious, Cian...no, no. No, we can't just leave!"

Clover became heightened, her voice rising as she made her outright refusal known. She could feel her heart beginning to go to war with itself as she stood up and took steps back from her husband. “And what if she is in the Fae Forest still? She's so tiny, I doubt she went far at all and if we leave, we are abandoning her...I can't and I won't do that!" She snapped, the tears forming in her eyes again while she glared harshly at Cian for the the first time in their entire relationship.

@Cian

art and code by Yahtzee-Penguiduck

It

was not easy to broach the topic. Cian knew Clover better than anyone else. They had spent years of their lives together now. They had been all over Rionnach, always side by side, and never differing in their opinions or views. But as soon as the words had been spoken – this notion of leaving the Fae Forest behind – his wife’s form grew rigid as a statue. Unconsciously, Cian cringed as Clover’s panicked voice responded, with each syllable increasing in intensity: “No...you can't be serious, Cian...no, no. No, we can't just leave!”

The shift in their connection was instantaneous. Clover backed away from Cian, incredulous. The brute was unsure of what to do next, whether to fill the space between them or let his wife keep the distance she had created. Ultimately, he didn’t budge, and he willed his expression to remain calmed. ”Your family will still be here, Clove. They – they can keep looking,” he offered, though it would be little solace, he already knew. Rose-colored eyes, normally brimming with adoration, narrowed with newfound distrust, only increasing Cian’s discomfort.

He shifted on his paws, finally turning his uneasy gaze to the dark skies and away from the glare of his beloved. ”I don’t like it either. But I – I’m certain she isn’t here,” he stated in tense tones, trying to fully believe his words, himself. Fiery eyes returned their focus to Clover. "I will go myself, if need be."



@Clover

art and code by Yahtzee-Penguiduck

T

he young mother was further distraught by her husband's words. She knew that he was trying to do all he could, but all she could see and all she could feel was an overwhelming sense of frustration at these solutions that involved the family separating further. While she knew that her mother, father, brother, and sister were willed to remain in this forest, she also knew that they were under the protection of the Fae by contract. There were no such promises for her Daisy.

When Cian mentioned going himself, Clover nearly interrupted the rest of what he had to say. “No! You will not!" She was beyond flustered, tears brimming her eyes as she looked at him. Yet, he was looking everywhere else, but at her. “Cian!" She wanted the eye contact, needed the illuminated scarlet of his gaze to hold her steady. The raging tide of her emotions were leaving her ultimately stranded in this storm and she couldn't navigate through it alone. “Cian, look at me, please...I am begging you..."

@Cian

art and code by Yahtzee-Penguiduck