The Light Before We Land

The last time that she had been into town to get some essentials for her new home, it had been incredibly lively. A swift conversation with a shop owner revealed a parade and celebration to take place in the town of Aberdeen. They'd quickly gone back to their prep work and Merrin allowed them to do so without further questioning. She had simply made note of it, but in the recent days had forgotten it completely until she'd heard the joyous sounds of cheers and laughter from afar while she tended to her garden.

Curiosity got the better of the older woman and she made her way to the seaside village, careful to remain on the outskirts. Finding a nice resting spot upon a hilltop that gave her a view of Aberdeen's central area, she lowered herself and observed the festivities. Of course, her eyesight was not what it used to be any more and eventually she closed her eyes as a breeze moved through her fur. She was perfectly content to delight in the atmosphere of the events with her other senses, a small smile lifting the corners of her mouth while she took it all in.

@Lenora

table ; bunny - - art ; Raven

THREAD MUSE

set before the fish eating contest

The colonels had spoken about the parade with apprehension, but somewhere in Lenoras heart she was excited to see such festivities. Despite the war having fractured her family beyond what seemed to be repair, at least for the moment, she hoped her parents would be lured into joining so that maybe she could see them. Knowing that they wouldn't travel South enough to see the Melrose parade, she volunteered to travel between both of the celebrations, holding on to the hope that she'd see one of them at some point.

As she watched some of the floats during the Aberdeen parade, a nagging feeling suddenly snagged at her heart. Soft whispers convinced her to look upwards, noting that there were some rolling hills in the distance, around what she assumed was more the outskirts of the town.

Squinting her lavender eyes, her heart began to beat quicker within her ribcage as she realized there was a wolf situated atop one of the hills. While she couldn't make out their details, their coat was earthen, just like her mother, and she just had to investigate just in case...

Removing herself from her position, Lenora snuck away from the parade and maneuvered her way through the streets; her sense of direction was much better nowadays, and it didn't take long for her to navigate towards the small hills. Once she hit the bottom of it, Lenora flexed her muscles and ran up the hillside, excitement budding within her chest as the scent of someone familiar tickled her nose.

Once they were in eyesight of each other, Lenora halted. Something forced her pause, anxiety seizing her heart - what if her mother didn't love her anymore? What if what she had done upset her, or she never wanted to see her again?

And so the daughter stood there, unable to move another inch; her muscles screaming to continue, but her heart, and soon her eyes, wept tears of uncertainty.

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The music was her favorite part of the celebration, her ears swiveling pleasantly as she picked up notes flowing on the breeze. The sun warmed her bones that began to ache with age as she sat upon the hilltop which made it tempting to slip into a midday nap. She remembered just then how out in the open and vulnerable she was and thought better of it. Perhaps she could do with a small nap beside her flower beds while the buzzing of bumble bees killed her into dream. That was far more enticing at the moment and she considered gathering herself up to do just that.

Merrin extended her body out into a long stretch with a yawn, lashes fluttering open. She had to squint as her soft lilac orbs readjusted to the rays of sunlight. When she was able to open her eyes all the way she noticed a figure was standing mere feet away from her. The fur that began to bristle on the back of her neck was eased down when she lifted her nose to the air as the wind shifted. It was an Imperial Soldier...she knew that smell anywhere, but it was also the comfort of familiarity underneath it all...cedarwood and their shared note of cardamom.

She strained her eyes to get a glimpse of a thick arctic coat of alabaster and silver and a visage that framed mirrors of her own lavender sights. Merrin drew in a surprised gasp that was immediately caught by a lump in her throat and she clumsily struggled to her feet. The mother's instinct was to rush to her estranged daughter, to pull her close into her arms, and to never let her go. She halted on her first half-step, recalling the last time they had seen one another and the fear of driving her daughter further away rooted her to the spot.

Merrin did not try to hold back tears, her voice trembling as she observed, “Lenora, you're-" Here. She couldn't finish the sentence, knowing that in doing so she would be acknowledging the shock of her sudden appearance...and the fact that she had long made peace with the expectation that they might not have ever see one another again. “You're...you're so grown up...I..." The guilt bore into her chest and she sought the courage to look Lenora in the face as she spoke the words that she had been holding in for what felt like an eternity, “I never intended to hurt you the way that I did...I'm so sorry, Lenora..."

@Lenora

table ; bunny - - art ; Raven

Lenora watched from her distance, her purple eyes never leaving the form of her mother. And then as her scent wafted through the wind and met Merrin, she watched as she struggled to her paws and a pang of heartache nearly made her collapse.

What had she done, being so far from her mother for so long?

Merrin moved towards her, but stopped after a step. And deep down, Lenora knew that she was apprehensive because of her. Because she had been mad at their last meeting, at finding out her parents were essentially convicted criminals despite the proof not exactly being solid. But it was her fault that her own mom didn't feel like she could come to her. To hug her, to kiss away the tears that lined her lavender eyes.

Guilt spread like an infected wound through her heart and veins as her body kicked into action. Paws slammed against the ground, kicking up dirt behind her as she closed the distance before Merrin could even walk a few steps. She didn't hesitate as she enveloped her in her arms, allowing the tears to fall and wet her cheeks as she clutched at Merrin in case she was about to fade away.

"I'm not grown up - at least it doesn't feel like it at all," she choked out, realizing that all her walls came tumbling down when she was in the presence of her. All the stress and insecurities from navigating the army on her own from the last year bubbled over, spewing from her eyes and nose as she cried into her mom. She had been trying so hard to be as best as she could be in the army, but was it even worth it when her parents couldn't see, couldn't be proud of her? They weren't there for her graduation, and that hurt a lot... but Atlas was at least, and so she wasn't entirely alone.

"I'm sorry too, Mom. I've missed you so much. Are you okay?" she mumbled into her earthy furs, drinking in her scent as her body shook with quiet sobs. "How's dad?" How she wished she could take them back to their house, that things could go back to how they used to be and they could be a happy little family again.

But instead they were fractured, and there was nothing she could do to fix it.

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There was an instant shift and Lenora came running towards her, wrapping her into an embrace before she could even react. Lenora choked on sobs as she denounced the maturity. Oh, but, even with her poor eyesight, Merrin could clearly see what a beautiful young woman her daughter had grown into. It broke her heart to hear that Lenora thought of herself as anything else. She pulled her child closer to her and whatever walls they imagined were there instantly crumbled until nothing came between them.

“You are so very grown up, sweet girl..." Merrin held her and used one idle paw to stroke her back as they both allowed their tears to fall. She leaned back then, cupping the face of the girl...now very much woman...admiring her from up close. “Had we not shared the same eyes, I might not have even recognized you." The elder mother chuckled as she attempted to lighten the mood with her teasing.

She released her hold and then simply touched noses with Lenora affectionately, her eyes sparkling with overwhelming joy behind the shimmer of tears. Then she pulled her into another embrace, cherishing every second they were able to share with one another. “I've missed you too. more than words could ever say, Lenora...so much so that I've got plots in my garden named for my children." Merrin smiled bashfully, having never shared her garden with anyone else aside from Luciel. Lenora asked how he was as well and the elder's features softened pleasantly. “We are both doing exceptionally well considering how we were faring before. It was...quite the adjustment, especially for your father." Merrin shared honestly, still in disbelief to this day that the retired Captain would have ever abandoned what he'd always known for her sake. “He's learned how to fish, if you can believe that. I tried, but I'm absolutely awful at it." She lifted a paw to her mouth as she laughed softly as she admitted her lack of skill.

Merrin then turned her attention onto her grown daughter, her smile faltering as concern took over her features. “Are you alright, Nora?" Her paws tingled with anxiety when she asked, fully aware that the woman she was seeing was not simply a citizen of Rionnach, but a soldier. After Kenzo's visit and the gift of the sheepskin that he had left behind...she could only hope that he had good intentions...that it was possible he was looking out for her. If not him, there were a couple others that she knew were close by and would not allow harm to befall any one of her children.

@Lenora

table ; bunny - - art ; Raven

Lenora clutched onto her mother, encasing her in a silver hug but being careful not to squeeze too tightly. There was something... frail about her, a sense of mortality in which Lenora didn't want to think about right now. She wanted to believe that her parents would live forever, and that death didn't exist in her world. It was easier that way, especially knowing that they were so far away.

Merrin reassured her, rubbing her back while washing away her insecurities like only a mom could. And then she held her face, drawing back a few centimeters to look at her grown daughter, and Lenora realized that they hadn't seen each other in quite some time. The soldier had grown into her massive puppy paws and huge ears, and all her ratios complimented each other now in a pretty kind of way.

They touched noses again, and all Lenora wanted to do was stay here forever.

“I've missed you too. more than words could ever say, Lenora...so much so that I've got plots in my garden named for my children." the daughter laughed lightly at this, raising a paw to wipe away the tears from her eyes as the two acclimated to one another in this rare moment of peace.

"That's really cute, mom," she giggled quietly, wondering what all the flowers looked like. Maybe she could make a trip up soon... see dad and the life they had created for themselves in exile. Merrin continues to speak, mentioning her father and how the adjustment period was difficult, but they pulled through. So much so that he was even fishing! Lenora's lilac eyes widened in disbelief before she truly laughed now, imagining Luciel fishing and finding it comical. However, whatever made him happy and helped him with his thoughts was worth it in her mind.

“Are you alright, Nora?" there it was - the concern she was trying to hard to keep off her mothers face. Her lips pursed for a moment as she considered what her answer should be, but her eyes diverted from the twin irises of Merrins regardless.

"They took care of me, mom. You don't need to worry," she responded quietly then, her ears drooping a little. She figured it would be clear enough to her who she was talking about. "Ryker was my trainer. She was tough but... we have each others back. She knew how to bring out the strength I needed to survive in the army." and it was true. As hard as it was, as much as her body ached and her mind faultered with trying to understand, she ultimately passed and she owed it to her older half-sister.

"It's just lonely sometimes," she added softly, "At the house, I mean." she missed coming home to them. She missed a lot, it seemed, and it was hard to let go of the things that would never come back.

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“Oh!" She brought a paw to her mouth as, warmth spreading through her cheeks at the unexpected compliment and she couldn't help, but giggle along with Lenora. “Well, thank you!" It was such a lovely moment that she wondered sorrowfully if this was what she was missing out on. Try as she might, she couldn't help feeling devastatingly estranged from her youngest children. And who's fault is that? She did her best to ignore the voice lurking in the shadows of her mind, reminding herself that it wasn't her own.

“They took care of me, mom. You don't need to worry."

Merrin might not have worried, but the way Lenora avoided her gaze when she said this, gave her a feeling of underlying dread. She swallowed it, recalling who she knew were good wolves that were also among the ranks. “The Tiamats? Nassar? She's training you, right?" There was an edge to her voice that revealed her anxiety if not for the way she shifted her weight between her front paws nervously. “Ryker-” She hardly heard a word after that, her eyes growing wide, ears flattening as she recoiled. She turned, shaking her head as she started muttering to herself, “No, no, no...no, Kenzo said...he promised..."

When she turned back to Nora, there was no hiding the terror in her eyes. “What did she do to you? Did she hurt you?" The elderly mother started frantically looking over daughter as if she's find some sort of proof of harm that had been left on her child by Verlice cruelty. Then she remembered...Nalik was always careful to never leave a mark on her. Merrin shuddered at the thought, squeezing her eyes shut for a moment. She refocused on Lenora when she explained...sounding even grateful for her half-sister's role in her life. It couldn't be right...there had to be a different motive.

Something wasn't right! Merrin knew it in her heart...this was some sick long game that was being played, it had to be! Nalik had promised her the corpses of her children after they hunted them all down. What could have possibly changed? Suddenly, she felt overwhelmed with paranoia, looking around frantically, as if at any moment Imperial soldiers would spring from hiding places, shove her to the ground and drag her all the way back to the dungeon kicking and screaming as they had before. The older woman began to shrink, tucking her tail as her body started to shake. “They didn't send you did they? A-are they here? I-I can't go back to him, Lenora, I can't..."

@Lenora

table ; bunny - - art ; Raven

“The Tiamats? Nassar? She's training you, right?"

Suddenly, the air around them grew so tense it was visible. While Lenora was trying to say that she was fine, that her life in the army had been made better by her estranged half-siblings, it seemed to trigger Merrin in a way she couldn't have anticipated. Merrin balked, anxiety radiating off of her in swaths and infecting Lenora almost immediately. Her skin prickled uneasily, the silver furs along her nape spiking instinctively as her training began to kick in - specifically the lessons Ryker taught her on how to not feel herself, to get through the uncomfortable situations.

"Nassar is dead," she responded flatly, not wanting the reminder.

“No, no, no...no, Kenzo said...he promised..." Merrin recoiled from her, ears pressing against her skull as she turned away from her daughter to mutter to herself. Lenora could only stare as she desperately tried to figure out what to do.

And then her mother whirled on her, terror clouding her eyes as she stared, asking questions that unfortunately caused a brief flare of anger within Lenora. “What did she do to you? Did she hurt you?" She frowned deeply, white brows pinching together as she took a step away from Merrin. Disbelief, irritation and pity flashed within her eyes. But empathy tugged at her heart as she watched her mom shiver and tremble, and she simply shook her head. She didn't want to hurt her mom further, but these wild accusations of what Ryker and Kenzo were were upsetting her as well.

“They didn't send you did they? A-are they here? I-I can't go back to him, Lenora, I can't..." paranoia seized her, her eyes almost feral as she glanced around as if expecting them to jump out from the shadows. Her tail tucked between her legs and she shrank into herself, and Lenora was honestly just dumbfounded.

But she also did not reach out a paw, telling herself that the notion just might make this worse.

"I'm not a bounty hunter, mom," she spoke quietly, pain making her voice crack. How could her mother honestly think that she'd be sent by her siblings? Let alone that she would agree to that? "I can't believe you think I've become such a monster." her tone was hollow as she stared at her. She wanted to cry, but no tears came. Her mom was frail and old, that much was evident, and heartbreakingly, she wondered how much time was left. This was supposed to be nice, but instead she was accusing Lenora of perpetuating her demise at the hands of her ex. Lenora hadn't even really met the guy, and her siblings had done nothing but ensure she became a successful soldier.

But did Merrin even care? It's not like she had made any attempt to try to come see her... even secretly. Instead, she reduced her children to plots of flowers. And written off the potential of ever seeing them again.

Is this how Ryker and Kenzo felt, when Merrin left them?

Her lips were pressed into a hard, thin line as she waited for her mother to get herself together again, as she gave no inclination she would move.

"Ryker and Kenzo have helped me more than anyone else has," she added quietly, her gaze unwavering as she left the words unsaid - unlike you and dad.

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The world threatened to shatter again around her and at her own touch. There was a high pitched ring that rose in volume and pitch. It pierced one ear, traveling between her midline to the other ear where it settled for a moment. Merrin's panic fed itself with the spiral, giving her the odd sensation of an out of body experience as she could feel herself saying things and doing things, yet there was a lack of control to her responses.

Nassar...is dead...

Lenora...is training under Ryker...

Why...how...had this happened?

She was aware of her own shutdown, this visceral response to the news of her youngest daughters in the right clutches of her eldest and what that might mean. The miserable truth that came to light was that in this moment of vulnerability, she had so little to show for any healing that she had done...or thought she had done. With all of the time away, settling into this new life in Aberdeen, cherishing the little joys she got from hobbies that were gentle on her body, mind, and soul...in mere seconds, it was as if it had amounted to absolutely nothing.

Merrin felt as though she was standing on that cliff ledge again, raging ocean waves crashing into the jagged rocks below. Cruel gusts of sea salted wind buffeted her fur as if encouraging her to jump...jump and it would make everything come to a stop. Lenora's voice was so far away from her, but she heard every word...more than that, she could feel it. Refocusing and tethering herself to the reality no matter how much it pained her, slowly brought her back to it. Back to...the frown on Lenora's face, the step she took backwards and away from her, the hurt in her voice causing it to break. And then, like a soldier that she knew Luciel would have been so proud of, Lenora Argent spoke her truth with bold conviction.

“Ryker and Kenzo have helped me more than anyone else has."

By this time, the frail, elderly woman had begun to unfurl herself like a moth seeing first light. Lilac irises met lilac irises and she slowed her breathing. When she felt enough bravery, she let her gaze fall, staring out beyond blankly as she processed the words of the woman standing before her. Merrin was not on the edge of the world any longer, she was not eternally alone as she thought she had been that day...and neither was Lenora, it seemed. She attempted to rise, straighten her posture out as she sought out Lenora's eyes again. “You deserve so much more than the ghost of love, Nora...I hope you know that...I believe that with all my heart. I'm sorry that in the end I could never be anything more than that to you...to them..."

@Lenora

table ; bunny - - art ; Raven

A fortress of steel and unbreakable resolve constructed within seconds around her heart as she stood there, watching as her mother crumbled under the weight of reality. The soldier remained silent, her face a well fabricated mask of apathy despite the raging turmoil of emotions that escalated into a cacophony in her mind. The only visual representation of stress was the twitch of her whiskers, but she knew Merrin was too far away now to notice.

If she even noticed, as she seemed too involved in her own distress to notice much around her right now.

It was at her last statement that Merrin appeared to occupy her body again as her body calmed down and she met Lenora's eyes. The silver daughter simply held the look, if only to show that she was withdrawing mentally from their discussion. But then Merrin spoke, her words becoming the nails that sealed the proverbial coffin that was their relationship.

“You deserve so much more than the ghost of love, Nora...I hope you know that...I believe that with all my heart. I'm sorry that in the end I could never be anything more than that to you...to them..."

For a brief moment, Lenora was stunned at this confession. For a second, her eyes flashed with a combined mixture of shock and fury that would only fester within her heart into resentment later on, when she would reflect on this encounter. But the mask was realigned then, her lilac eyes void of her passion.

"I do," she responded dryly, her ears tilting to press flat against her silver helm, "And yet you do nothing to rectify your mistakes. You didn't with your firstborn children, and I am realizing that I shouldn't have expected you would change with us, either." Instead, she still ran away. She still abandoned them all, and left them to fend for themselves. While she didn't know where Riften was, she could only assume he was some street orphan as well somewhere in Rionna. Her parents had pushed them to become something, and so her and Atlas had gone and done just that - and now they were nowhere to be found to witness their accomplishments.

What an utter slap in the face.

Her chin raised as she fought back the tears that threatened to spill. Instead, her voice was iron, refusing to break. "You abandoned us in the midst of a war, to fend for ourselves. I saw wolves die, mom, right in front of me, as their blood splattered my pelt. And I came home to an empty fucking house." her tone was flat, the words brandished like daggers and thrown towards her mother. She needed to know the pain that Lenora felt; to know the suffocating loneliness, the grief and anguish of experiencing bloodshed and death for the first time in her career and having no one there to console her.

She did it all on her own, just as she would for the rest of her life.

"And you have the nerve to tell me you've replaced me with flowers." she deadpanned, her voice almost sounding detached from her being. She felt nothing. Her gaze found Merrins once more, but this time she didn't react should there be tears in those twin lilac irises. "So you have time to tend to a garden but not to your own beloved children? Never once did you try to come check on me. Never once did you make sure I was okay. But now you suddenly care, once I have sought you out?" Fury was building within her chest, roiling like molten lava, but she remained visibly calm -- too calm. She was passed anger now, and the only thing left was defeat in the losing battle of her mothers affection. All of the emotions she felt through her time as a cadet rose up to the forefront of her mind, reminding her of the resentment that had begun back then, when she cried into her pillow in desperation for her parents to come back home. "Your precious flowers will be dead come winter, and this time you have no one to blame but yourself." She frowned, her white brows knitting together as she shook her head in disappointment.

You're not a ghost to me anymore, Merrin. You're just a grave." she whispered to the breeze as it picked up, ruffling through her silver fur as she took one last melancholic lookat who her mother should have been. And then she turned away, leaving their relationship in a heap of ashes that scattered in the wind.

-- exit Lenora unless stopped --

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