[ P ] ghost of my past

i see your fantasy
you wanna make it a reality paved in gold

She had returned to her home for only a couple of days before the urge to travel seized her once again. Her mind was mostly clear, though it occasionally wandered, haunted by thoughts of those she had met along the way—Reuben, in particular. Since their falling out and her encounter with his brother, she had been unable to make sense of the entire situation. Why had he needed to lie to her so outrightly? The question remained unanswered, and she was left grappling with the mystery of who he truly was.

A long sigh escaped her as she trudged away from home, moving closer to the depths of the Lowlands. When she reached Perth, she planned to take a break. Although the sky was clear, she knew evening would settle in quickly and nightfall would follow soon after. She would likely need to find a place to rest for the night, hopefully a quiet den hidden somewhere.

For now, she slowed her pace and settled herself against the earth, gazing out over the mountain horizon. Birds cawed overhead, and the air felt damp. Rain was probably in the forecast, but it didn’t trouble her. She would savor the silence of her own company for the moment, even as her thoughts continued to haunt her.

@Reuben

code // art

reuben serein

Grey streaked the sky and once again Reuben was reminded of her face, angry, streaked with rain and tears. He had tried to honour her wishes and leave her alone. The way her voice had cracked with the thunder condemning him with her hatred. There was nothing he could do to mend the damage he had done. He was convinced that all he was good for was destruction.

Sulliven was the one that kept him going. That was the one mistake he was going to fix or die trying. He had thrown himself into his suicide mission, planning and plotting for months waiting for the right opportunity to access the dungeon.

He found himself journeying over the border, feeling the grass of his homeland beneath his paws and the highland air was sobering for the wolf who was counting down to his final days.

A sigh carried on the wind, brushing his sensitive ears with the hint of a familiar tone. He froze, emerald eyes flashing with panic at the sight of someone he had gravely wrong. His paws burned with the desire to flee, to run away like the coward he was. “Rayne… his voice was low and apologetic. “I’ll go,” he offered, taking a few steps back.

i see your fantasy
you wanna make it a reality paved in gold

With her eyes closed, she almost imagined she was conjuring his voice in her mind. "Rayne." Her brows knitted together, and though her eyes remained shut, she could hear him speak again.

"I'll go."

She turned her head slightly over her shoulder and felt her heart plummet into her stomach. A heavy lump formed in her throat as he began to walk away. She wanted to call out to him, to tell him to wait, but the words caught in her throat. Despite her lingering anger, she felt a pang of softness toward him, a sense of missing him that felt almost unbearable. His hair was dyed again, a stark contrast to the man she had known—or thought she knew—before the rain had washed him away.

He took a few more steps, and finally, she mustered the courage to swallow the knot in her throat, though her heart raced so violently it felt as though she might be sick. Desperate to speak, she still couldn't find the words. Instead, she stood up and hurried to block his path. Her ice-blue eyes locked with his seafoam-green ones. She blinked too often, taking in the weary details of his face. She drew in a sharp breath, her mouth parting as if to speak, but again, no words came. She could only stare at him as her heart continued to drum in her chest, the queasiness easing just a little.

"I'm still mad at you," she finally managed, her voice trembling as she looked at him in disbelief at what she was about to say next. "But I miss you. It's so stupid and confusing!" She sighed deeply, her gaze dropping from him. "You hurt me," she said slowly, finding his eyes once more. "Badly..." Rayne swallowed hard, feeling a shiver run through her despite her heavy coat. How could she feel this way toward him, angry yet hurt in his absence? Even now, while she felt physically safe, her heart felt exposed. She remembered him saying he had been falling for her, and though she would be lying if she said he didn’t affect her the same way, she was left as a mere bystander in her own emotions. Her heart wanted something different from what her mind knew was right.

code // art

reuben serein

Everything that happened between them even months later was fresh in his mind and heart. The imperial imposter had fooled not only Rayne, but was still living in a masquerade of his own design. Reuben hadn't had a grand plan when he had begun this scheme and his deception had not meant to grow so intertwined and tangled with those around him. He’d only wanted to save his brother, but somehow it had become so much messier than he could have predicted.

He forced himself forwards, ignoring the pang in his heart that tried to pull him back towards Rayne like magnetism. Absence would make the heart grow colder, he tried to assure himself, but her words were a chain that secured him in place and dragged him back, prisoner to the love that they shared.

Viridian green eyes raised to meet the summer blue that had captivated all those months ago. The vibrant blue he longed to see was the same washed out pale hues that the rest of the world had taken on of late. Not even Rayne could bring the colour back to his world. He feared it was an early sign of something much more serious and resigned himself to accepting that it was a fitting punishment for a liar and a murderer.

Her admission of confusion and pain crushed his heart with the weight of his guilt. “I know… I’m so sorry Rayne,” he apologised again, shaking his head. “What can I do to give you peace?” he gently asked, tongue itching to add the endearment that he had always called her, m'eudail, his darling, but he knew it would be a cruel thing to do when she was already in turmoil.

i see your fantasy
you wanna make it a reality paved in gold

What can I do to give you peace?

Would she ever find peace in his presence again? Or would the pain he had inflicted serve as an unending reminder that perhaps she should just let him go? Rayne was a forgiving soul in many situations, but the way he had betrayed her was something she couldn’t overlook. Though his intentions weren't entirely without merit—he had been trying to rescue his brother, who was imprisoned because of him—his attempt to right his wrongs had come at her expense. He had feared that she might expose him or jeopardize his chances of saving Sullivan.

She wanted to see his side with her heart, but her mind warned her not to dig any deeper.

A long, sorrowful sigh escaped her lips as she shook her head at him. "I don’t know," she said, her voice tinged with defeat as her eyes remained fixed on him. Her lip quivered slightly, the threat of tears burning at her eyes, but she swallowed her sadness and shrugged her shoulders. "I am trying to understand why you did it, but what I struggle to grasp is how you allowed yourself to get so close to me while deceiving me about who I was falling for. I’m trying to forgive you and give you peace, but it's incredibly hard." Admitting this was even more difficult. She had never thought she could fall for someone so deeply, to the point where she had shared herself with him and felt truly at ease in his arms.

Now, he was a stranger wearing the skin she had once grown accustomed to, yet not the skin he was born into.

code // art

reuben serein

It was selfish of him, but Reuben wanted to see her smile again one last time, at least then he would face his fate with only a few regrets. He owed her his truth, if only to give her the clarity she needed to understand and he was finally willing to share that with her. She might not ever understand, he knew that because even he couldn't find the logic in his selfishness. He had been acting with his heart instead of his head and that had hurt them both in the end. “I’ll try to explain,” he suggested solemnly, sorrowful green eyes cast down at the ground. “My family, the Karsia Clan, wasn't exactly a normal and happy family. My mother wanted children that could be useful to her and she resented my father because of his blindness. She took those frustrations out on me and my brother when we didn't live up to her expectations,” Reuben began, narrowing his eyes as he spoke of his mother.

“Then when we were a year old she decided she was done with us. Left without a word. By then Dad was really sick. He was howling out in pain every night because of his eyes,” he sighed heavily and then continued.

‘I hated my life back then. I began to hate my dad for becoming like he was. All I wanted to do was run away with my brother and be free for once. No expectations, no obligations. But I couldn't… Dad needed us so I stayed. I ended up joining the Jacobian Army and became a soldier like him to support us and buy the medicine he needed.”

“Then the war happened. I didn't know what the fuck I was doing. I thought I was going to make something of myself I guess so I went after an Imperial that was retreating. He lost his footing and then.. hit his head. If I hadn't ..If I’d let him go he’d still be alive and Sulliven wouldn't be-” he broke off, voice trembling slightly as he recounted his sins.

“I hate myself, Rayne. I loathe Reuben Karsia with every fibre of my being,” he finally admitted the dark feeling that had become an ugly and malignant emotion over the years. “And I liked being someone else with you and that you looked at me like I was worth something. I was scared that you would hate me if you knew the truth, but I made it much worse by keeping it from you. I’m sorry, Rayne,” he gave her what he hoped would lead to the peace of mind and calmness in her heart that she deserved.

i see your fantasy
you wanna make it a reality paved in gold

She took advantage of the moment when he sat down to begin explaining who Reuben really was. She dared not interject; not once did her blue gaze leave his face. As he spoke, she felt the cold walls around her heart begin to thaw in places, but she reminded herself that he had a choice and, within it, had chosen to be selfish. Would she have done the same in his situation?

I like you and I don't want to complicate your life by adding my burdens to it. I just want to forget about it when I’m with you.

These were his words shortly after Riften had spotted them together, shortly after she had admitted that her initial pretense had become something much deeper. He had warned her, and she had refused to see it. Where he could have stepped in and denied her anything moving forward, he had chosen not to. But would she have done the same? If there was one thing Rayne could not deny, it was that she believed his feelings to be genuine, and he would confirm this in the last part of his explanation. She took a long moment to absorb all the details—his parents, his mother, his father, the army, the soldier’s death, his brother—and committed it all to memory.

I’m not pretending anymore.

These were the last words he had spoken before they shared that moment in the lagoon together, when he was dark-furred, with no association to his family, Reuben. Not slate and blue Reuben. "Is your favorite color actually blue?" She recalled their first conversation when they were hashing out the details of their then-fake relationship. "Are you three now? Did you actually move from the Highlands to the Lowlands?" Her memory was sharp; she didn't miss a beat as she recalled the finer details of their conversations, wondering if they too had all been fabricated.

A long silence stretched between them before she broke it, touching on what he had truthfully revealed about why he lied. "That’s not your fault, Reuben," she spoke softly. "You didn’t have guidance as children, neither you nor your brother. You took care of a parent who was supposed to take care of you, through no fault of his own. You were abandoned by a mother who was supposed to give you love and nurture you. You made a decision to financially support him and maintain his health, and you lived up to your expectations as a soldier." She exhaled deeply.

"It was a tragedy, and I understand the feeling of remorse, the sense of fault, Reuben. But it was war. Not a simple street brawl, but war—blood-spilling, violent, murderous, relentless war." She swallowed hard, the lump in her throat threatening to choke her. "You were under the scrutinous eyes of the Army. If you had deceived them, they would have killed you too for something as simple as letting him go. Do you understand that?" She stepped forward, her eyes softening slightly. "Forgive yourself, Reuben. It was a mistake, and self-sabotage won’t free you or your brother." Her brows knit together, her blue gaze unwavering as she sought to convey her understanding and compassion, even if it meant putting her feelings of being betrayed by him to the side.

code // art

reuben serein

The dryness in his throat from talking so much itched at his tongue and he swallowed nervously, anxiety making his mouth feel like a sandpit. Her first inquiries about his story were not about his past, but the information that he had shared with her. She wanted to know how much of him had been a deception and if there had been any truth to what they shared. “I like blue. I’m three years old and I moved from the highlands to the lowlands for my father’s medical treatment. That’s all true,”he assured her, relieved that he had been at least somewhat honest with her, but he knew that it wouldn’t fix the trust that had been broken. Truly he didn’t want her to forgive him because he couldn’t forgive himself. He wanted her to find peace and forget about him like a trivial memory that wasn’t worth remembering.

“Thank you,” he replied, both grateful for her kindness and pained by it. It was both a balm for his emotional wounds and salt to be rubbed in. He wanted to be with her and he wanted to suffer for all the harm he caused her and Sulliven. He wondered if he’d find peace in his penance.

Reuben stepped back as she drew closer to him and shook his head sadly. He couldn’t bear to be so close to her and not hold her. “I’m a liar and a murderer, Rayne. That shouldn’t be forgiven, not by me, not by anyone,” he pointed out, melancholic green eyes drifting downwards in shame. “Don’t forgive me. Just forget me,” he pleaded softly.

i see your fantasy
you wanna make it a reality paved in gold

Rayne could not deny the relief she felt that, in some small part of what he shared with her, he was truthful. Though she could feel a soft smile threaten to tug at her lips, she tucked it away, allowing her gaze to remain on him as he looked away in shame. When she stepped forward, he stepped back, and the smile that had wanted to grace her lips turned into a quickened frown. His words caused her heart to drop into her stomach. No matter how many times she tried to forget him, she couldn’t. No matter how mad she wanted to be at him, she could not find the energy to hate him the way he wanted her to. She swallowed back the lump in her throat as his words echoed in her mind: Don’t forgive me, forget me. She blinked back tears, because even though she did not know what a breakup was, from what she had heard, this seemed to be it. They had never dated, but what she began to feel for him was unlike anything she had known before.

“Reuben, I...” She shook her head, looking at the top of his head as he could not bear to meet her gaze. “I forgive you. I won’t... I can’t forget you.” This was the end, she was sure of it, even though after their fallout she had never seen a future for them. He was unable to forgive himself, and she doubted he would ever find it in him to do so, especially if anything happened to Sullivan. Her breath felt heavy as her heart hammered in her chest. She wanted this, didn’t she? To wipe him from her memory, as she had been so angry with him. But now, as she stood before him, she could not help but feel the brewing emotion he had stirred within her. She had fallen for him, and even as he suggested she fall out of love, she knew it could not be that simple.

“I...” She felt her lip quiver, and despite her trying to bite it and choke back the heat in her throat, she could not. “How am I supposed to fall out of love with you when I’ve just barely dipped my toes in?” Rayne slowly moved into his space again, hoping he would not retreat as he had before. If allowed, she would wrap her arms around him and melt her body into his, trying to choke back her tears. “I don’t want to forget you. Don't you think I’ve tried?” she spoke softly, her voice, and heart breaking with each word.

code // art

reuben serein

Emerald eyes implored her bright blues which had become pale grey. They no longer gleamed with the gentle warmth of the summer sky. Of all the colours that had faded from his sight it was those blues that lingered in his memory and reminded him of the darkness that awaited him both in the dungeon and from his own eyes. It had to end. There was no future for them with him in a jail cell and when he was sentenced it would be to the death. It was better for them to part now and for her to believe he was alive somewhere for her peace of mind. “But my memory only brings you pain,” he stated solemnly, remembering the rage that had cracked through her voice when she screamed her hatred for him.

Once again he could see the pain of her wavering emotions on her face and regretted the part he played in swaying her emotions once more, unintentionally stirring her heart and the affection that she had for him. It shook his resolve and he couldn’t help imagining a fairy tale life by her side. She knew him and still loved him. There would never be another one like her. He inhaled taking in her scent as her warmth enclosed him. The warmth of tears prickled the corners of his eyes and he released a shuddering sigh. “I can’t offer you a future. I’m a wanted man, m’eudail,” (darling) he explained, turning his head to the side and away from her in a futile attempt to create some space between them. He didn’t stop her from holding him because he couldn’t let go yet. “It wouldn’t be a happy life on the run, always looking over your shoulder and even if you could accept that… I’m not worth the sacrifice,” his voice shook as he placed a gentle paw on her chest to nudge them apart.