[ P ] blood on my hands

A girl playing at war games once graced these crumbling corridors. She'd chased her mother and sisters' shadows trying to catch up to them. To earn her place among the Tiamat women, to be worthy of her father's love. She would reach out, but her paws would brush with ash. Kohl's flame burned out too soon, snuffed out by man on the battlefield. When word finally reached Xandria she had earned her first victory. She was dreaming of delivering her news personally to him when the crow announced his death. The little girl within grieved the dad who she wished he had been. The one denied to her forever by the actions of his murderer. No tears were shed, she simply sent the bird off with a simple message. I'm going hunting.

Her mission for vengeance had taken her all around Rionnach chasing a ghost who did not want to be found. Like a bloodhound she followed his scent, chasing him with the single minded focus of a hunter seeking its prey. She finally cornered him, looking in the eyes of her father's murderer and never once questioning what she had to do. It didn't matter to her if he had family, a wife and children waiting for him somewhere. She faced him with her righteous fury and paid his debt with his life.

Her arrival home was bittersweet. Nothing had changed from what she could tell. Maybe the cracks had grown and walls crumbled a little more, but it remained identical to the images in her memory. The newly promoted Lieutenant leaned her back against one of the dusty walls, and tapped her paws in anticipation. The servants had told her they would fetch her mother. She felt a lump form in her throat, heart beating up a storm in her chest. They were as close as a mother and daughter could be, but her quest for vengeance had left her mother to grieve without her.

code & art by claerie

 

The first bird had been sent on the first day of autumn. She had approached with a mask of neutrality, her brow ever-so-slightly furrowed as she awaited her mother's newest declaration. Russet fur had ruffled along her nape as she settled within the crumbling cottage that the Yorkshire barracks reserved for private missives. It is with great condolences, quarked the raven. Nassar's spine had stiffened, amber eyes suddenly focusing in with rapt attention. That we must inform you of Kohl's death. And all of the blood had gone cold within her body then. ... The second time she had received a letter, she had approached with leaden paws and eyes raw from the tears she had shed in private. Foolishly, she had hoped for idle news of the next military banquet the Tiamats would attend. Instead, it was from her daughter. I am going hunting. ... When Nassar left the room, the crow had been left bleeding on the ground, unable to be revived. She had been fined for her violence but nothing had hurt quite as much as knowing that her daughter was gone and that Nassar could not abandon her post to go after her. And so when the servants arrived and told her of who stood within their parlor, Nassar felt just as she had within the raven's roost. Relief that her daughter was not dead and palpable rage. It all came flooding back, hot on the heels of joy. Amber eyes sharpened with hawk-like focus as she approached, the servants not bothering to lead her nor truly desiring to. When at last she set eyes on her youngest daughter, Nassar felt the wave of conflicting emotion well within her chest once more. Gray ears flicked back and she met those wary golden eyes. “Explain yourself.” Nassar commanded at once, not waiting to embrace her daughter or soften. They were Tiamats first and foremost, and discipline was what they led with. “my sin, my soul.”

 STOCK ➤Kati H. of Dawnthieves CODE ➤TWISTY 

    

@Xandria

The youngest Tiamat daughter would not cower or flinch from the ferocity of her mother's command. Golden eyes would rival the twin amber flames intent on consuming her, black chin lifted as she raised her head. She was unashamed of her actions. Her only regret was that it had hurt her mother. The blood on her paws had been cathartic, adrenaline had sung through her blood in a wild primal roar and then it finally passed. She was granted some peace, even if only for a moment. She wanted to give the gift of peace to her mother, knowing that her husband's death was avenged.

"When the bird came I… I needed to find him. I needed to find the man who had taken dad from us," she answered, emotion tightening her throat. The grief was still raw and fresh, burning her skin blistering hot with pain. In her golden eyes the anger raged anew. "I followed his trail around Rionnach. I didn't stop. I kept going until I found him," Xandria explained, pupils dilating and heart beating harder. She could feel the wild call of adrenaline rising again. "He's dead, mom. I killed him," she confessed her sin, meeting those molten eyes unflinchingly.

Xandria awaited her mother's judgement, expecting a reprimand for how foolish and reckless she had been. The risks had been great, but Xandria had been willing to pay the price to avenge her father. The fact that she had been shortsighted and selfish, not considering how her mother might have felt had only occurred to her now they were facing each other. For that she owed her mother an apology, but it would have to wait. Her mother would need to process what she had confessed to.

code & art by claerie

 

Cairo had her fire, the ability to take the rage and distill it until all that was left was a brightly burning flame. No smoke, no guilt, no regret, just 3,000 degrees Fahrenheit and a penchant for self-destruction. Xandria, on the other hand, harbored the same coals. Resilience, the ability to continue burning throughout the long winter be it with love of vengeance. While less prone to outbursts, she was a calculate fire... like a candle burning upon the windowsill, all too eager to catch the curtains ablaze. So was it a surprise that her youngest, a foolhardy lieutenant that had been promoted too early for her own good, would go rushing off after her father's murderer? Nassar's lip twitched at the mention of the nameless man that had brought sorrow to their family. Her tail lashed once, paws flexing as if his flesh lingered close enough to tear. "... I kept going until I found him." The barest flicker of macabre interest ignited in amber eyes. Although she retained her scowl, a fraction of its disapproval had warped into something bordering on hunger. "He's dead, mom. I killed him." All of the tension that had been building suddenly reached a fever pitch mere moments before dissipating. The breath that Nassar had unknowingly been holding was suddenly released. Her ears flicked back and, for a moment, she closed her eyes. Thinking... weighing... contemplating... And then there was the sick satisfaction, the validation. It was a primal justice that Xandria had exacted, and it was made all the more flavorful by the fact that he had been bested by a girl not yet in her prime. But at what risks? “You left your post.” Nassar snapped suddenly, eyes reopening into a glare as she stepped forward, crowding her daughter from the front. “You left your subordinates.” Another step. “You left your family.” And now they were nose to nose if Xandria had not retreated. “Would you have had me bury you too?” She hissed, digging into the hypotheticals that had (blessedly) never come to fruition. “Do you truly value your life so little?”  And even as she hissed these words, she could not help but feel the faintest glow of pride. Her daughter had hunted and won. It would be worth basking in at a later date... but not before Xandria had been thoroughly lashed for her foolishness. “Tell me, Xandria. How do I trust you again?”  “my sin, my soul.”

 STOCK ➤Kati H. of Dawnthieves CODE ➤TWISTY 

    

@Xandria

Her mother's judgement was just as righteous and furious as her thirst for vengeance had been. It was a mother’s fear for her child, a mother’s disappointment at her daughter's foolishness and a mother’s anger at her daughter’s betrayal of her trust. She saw it all on those familiar features that had always glowed with warmth and approval. She had witnessed her mother’s temper flare at others before, but this was the first time Xandria had been subject to it. Now they were rigid and taut with anger, scowl framing embers that hungered to burn and consume.

You left your post. Nassar snapped, like a judge slamming down a gavel. She had abandoned her post. It was the first of her crimes and one she held no regret for. Her mother pressed forward, intruding on her space like a flame coming close enough to feel the heat scorching her. Still she did not cower, she held herself steady and with determination. She would not deny or offer any excuses. It would be an insult to her mother’s intelligence to claim that she had done it for their family. Xandria had done it all for herself. You left your subordinates. This she did regret, at least somewhat, they could have coped without her but if any had come to harm during her absence she would hold the blame for that. You left your family. This at last was what caused Xandria to visibly wince, guilt squeezing her heart like a fist wrapped around it. Her mother’s fist.

Golden eyes remained locked with the glowing ember coals of her mother’s gaze, each of her words lashing at Xandria like the tongues of flames. Would you have had me bury you too? she hissed, her fear and hurt tempering every word. Do you truly value your life so little? Xandria gritted her teeth, nostrils flaring as the pressure on her heart increased. ”I’m sorry,” she finally replied, no buts, or excuses, just a genuine and sincere apology for hurting her mother.

”I just wanted… I wanted him to love me,” she quietly murmured, grief glittering in her eyes. ”He took it away. Any chances I had to earn it. I couldn’t take it,” she answered louder this time with the edge of a growl in her voice, anger burning away her grief. The man who murdered her father became the target of all her unresolved emotions. She punished him for her childhood bereft of paternal love. For all the times she had cried out internally for her father’s love she took another pound of flesh from the villain who denied her ever receiving that gift.

Tell me, Xandria. How do I trust you again?

She inhaled sharply, jaws clenching as the fist finally succeeded in crushing her heart into a pulpy red paste. A flicker of hurt crossed into her features, feeling the sting of what she perceived to be her mother’s rejection. She cleared her throat of the lump sitting heavy in it. It was her first transgression, albeit one serious enough to cause her mother great concern. ”I don’t know. What do you want me to do?” she gritted her teeth again, ”Do you want me to give up Lieutenant? Would that be enough?” she asked, damning her own pride and risking her ambitions. All the time she had put into her dreams, long nights of training until her body was nearing collapse and her paw pads were blistering and calloused. She would take the shame of a demotion if it meant her mother would trust her again.

code & art by claerie

 

"I wanted him to love me." Passion oh-so quickly turned to pain and the flames flickered as a stinging sensation leaped to the Lieutenant Major's eyes. A wave of emotion threatened her with tears, yet she pressed her tongue to the roof of her mouth, the pressure forcing her to keep steady. To find stability in the mix of emotions that wished to both drown and burn. And in that moment, all she wanted to say was you and me both. Her heart ached with the knowledge that her passion with Kohl had died because of their children. While Nassar had adapted to motherhood naturally, doting on her children as fiercely as a bear, Kohl had grown distant. And perhaps that had been her fault. He had never expressed much interest in being a father... but he had acquiesced when she had asked. ”He took it away. Any chances I had to earn it. I couldn’t take it." And although she understood her daughter, she could not simply drop the sword that she wielded. But it did press in with less force, leaving a shallower wound than Nassar had originally intended. At the mention of rank, Nassar almost offered a bitter laugh. “Did you think that your role of Lieutenant would still be waiting for you..? After abandoning those that you oversaw..?” Her brow furrowed. Of course, no official decision had been made yet, but Nassar could not imagine that Xandria would be welcomed back with open arms. At worst, she would be excommunicated from the military. At best, she would start over as a soldier and be forced to work her way back up. “Promise me,” Nassar said after a stiff sigh. “That you will never do that again.” Xandria may have abandoned her family, but she had never lied. “Do more than send a bird. Ask me yourself, so that in the future you will not have to hunt alone.” And at last, Nassar's face softened somewhat. “You had your father's love, Xandria. It was just harder to feel...” Her head canted to the side, amber eyes searching that of gold. “And you will always have mine.”  “my sin, my soul.”

 STOCK ➤Kati H. of Dawnthieves CODE ➤TWISTY 

    

@Xandria

They faced each other like a judge and an indicted criminal. Xandria had offered her testimony and Nassar swung her gavel. Guilty. Guilty. Guilty. Her mother was a hardened soldier who favoured discipline as a virtue and in her mother's eyes Xandria had proven to be a loose cannon. She had done her best to leave her post under the care of a competent commander. It had not been a hastily made decision, but that crow and its dark words had lit a fire under her paws.

Golden eyes flared with anger, frustration burning in her heart. Her mother batted aside her attempts at earning her trust with bitter words. "I told them I needed time to grieve," she answered, although it hadn't been her main motive for taking time away from the army it was still the truth. It didn't change the fact that she had left, but she hadn't just run away without a word either. She wasn't so irresponsible to damage the career she had put so much work into building.

"I promise," she responded, moving her face closer so that their noses touched. Her mother's request was a fair one and one that Xandria would not deny her. The only reason she had not gone to her mother was because she feared that she would talk her out of it and take on the burden herself. The softness in her mother's features was a sign that she could finally release some of the tension in her body. An ache of travel weary muscles throbbed through her limbs and shoulders as they grew loose and soft. She had not come out of the fight with the man without taking damage either. Various scabs and bruises covered her body hidden beneath earthen fur.

"I could always feel yours," she stated, remembering how fiercy her mother loved her. She could feel it like the warmth of the sun, but never Kohl's. She felt more warmth from the cold stone that sheltered them than she ever did from her father. "I still can even when it burns," she said, golden eyes looking at those warm fiery eyes.

code & art by claerie

 

"I told them I needed time to grieve." Twang. Her heart strings were plucked and selfish bitterness flooded her veins. So I see you found the time to speak to everyone else but me. Nassar had gotten a mere bird while those above Xandria had been granted an excuse with a bow on top. She had found a replacement, gotten her affairs in order, and abandoned them. Although Nassar had just enough sense to not speak these words, it took some effort to swallow them. Some bitter pills did not need to be crushed and examined for all to see, especially when the motivations for making them were petty. The heart of the matter was that Xandria was home. As their noses touched, Nassar released the heavy burden of guilt and anger. The rope rubbed her palms raw and left them bloody, and the scars would take quite some time to heal, but it was no long hers to carry. These wounds would be allowed to heal. "I could always feel yours," Xandria began. "I still can even when it burns." And at this Nassar couldn't help but pull her head back and snort as wry laughter was torn from her lips. “How can I burn my little pheonix?” Amber eyes glowed with warmth and at last, the sword lowered fully. “You just add my fire to yours until we risk burning down all that your grandmother has worked so hard to build.” Tiamat women did not submit to a challenge, even when their matriarch was bearing down on them. No, they walked a fine line, bartering justifications and apologies until both prides were left relatively unscathed. Leaning in, she brushed her nose against Xandria's cheek. “Come, you need to rest.” Turning, Nassar back to walk deeper into the manor. “You'll need your strength for the news that I have to share.”  “my sin, my soul.”

 STOCK ➤Kati H. of Dawnthieves CODE ➤TWISTY 

    

@Xandria

Only now did she truly feel united as one with her mother. Their conflict was over for now and forgiveness had been granted. Being at odds with Nassar was unbearable for a daughter so endeared to her heart. Pride made them burn and blow smoke at each other, but it was another reflection of their love. They wielded their pain like weapons and crossed swords until an understanding was reached. If only her father could have shown her half as much passion as her mother did. Maybe she could have felt his love then too. It wouldn’t have changed anything. She would have still hunted down his killer, but maybe it would have brought her peace instead of the gaping hole that remained.

Her mother’s affectionate nickname brought warmth to the golden pools of her gaze. ”She couldn’t handle our heat,” Xandria laughed, offering her mother a cheeky grin. Her grandmother had always been a daunting figure, one that Xandria prefered to avoid if she had a choice. Xandria was not the granddaughter that their dear old matriarch had set her sights on, fortunately for her.

Nassar’s nose gently brushed her cheek, encouraging her to rest. It sounded like a good idea at least it did until she spoke again. What news could she possibly mean? Nothing good. A frown returned to her features, framing hardening liquid gold eyes. ”What is it?” she questioned while walking besides her, dread filling her belly like a stone.

code & art by claerie

 

Xandria laughed and Nassar nodded, smiling despite the sudden tightness within her chest. Ankh's affection for Cairo was no secret, and with that overbearing love came many demands. Nassar was often nettled by the aging matriarch, albeit not in front of the girls, and Xandria was ignored. If both girls stood within a room, Ankh's pink eyes would glow as she stared at her sooty dragon. Barely, if even once, would she regard the russet pheonix. To Ankh, there was no use in investing in two girls when one would do. That was how Nassar's childhood had been as well. And that was what had made her fall from grace so bitterly painful. The wounds had mostly healed but they left scars in their place. It was enjoyable to trade small quips and insults behind her mother's back with her youngest, and it was fun to think that they were an unstoppable force against her mother's will. But... this marriage... This was not something that her and Xandria could fight against, not even if they did together. Knowing that she would hurt her daughter even more with this news did not make it any better. “I am to be remarried by the matriarch's decree,” Nassar responded stiffly. “To Kvothe.”  “my sin, my soul.”

 STOCK ➤Kati H. of Dawnthieves CODE ➤TWISTY 

    

@Xandria