spinning like a neverend

khepri tiamat

He rattled the descriptions off as if it would help them both somehow; but really it was just so he wouldn't forget. He'd never forget their faces and he'd be haunted by the pain they'd caused likely for the rest of his life. He knew how grief worked. It never truly went away, it just ebbed and flowed like the tide and some days it was bearable while others it was not. His ears flicked as Sif asked if she should go after her and he lifted his head, almost expecting her to, but she didn't. Instead she moved closer to him and rested before him, placing her head on her paws just as he did so they were level with one another. She pressed her nose against his paw and tried to comfort him again.

The pit in his stomach grew when she said she could have been on that list as well; he didn't want to think about that as much as it might be true. She wanted to protect him and the kids but he also wanted to protect her.

"I don't want you to die for me, Sif. I want you to live for me. You and the kids, you're my world. My everything."

The only things keeping me here right now...

She said the same and he offered her a smile then, feeling a little better at the notion. He liked when she told him things like this, he just hated the circumstances for which such kind words came about. He thought about the way Nassar had fought for him to come home and he was glad that she had now, looking back on it. He still did not want to be here but at least he had been with her up until the end instead of estranged.

At her next words, he hardened a bit and nodded his head. He wasn't usually one to advocate for violence but in this case he would relent. "Good." he said, his tone flattening with ire. His grief stricken mind shifted to thoughts of Haskell and the one that had harmed him. "I'd like to find who did it and give them what they deserve." he seethed, shaking a little with anger. "I mean, really, who hurts a pup?" He still couldn't wrap his mind around what had happened. A breath escaped him and he pressed his nose to hers.

"I want to leave the manse and go home but after that, I'm not so sure it's the best idea." he said with a sigh. "Ghosts haunt these halls for me but for them... this is a life most dream about having." he admitted.

He looked to her now for guidance just as he had when they'd talked to Nassar about coming here in the first place. "What... what do you think?" he asked curiously. Was she comfortable here?

"We are all young and naive still."

SIF ASGAUT

She anticipated for him to draw away from her again, feeling like she had just said the same words just a little more pretty than before so that he could understand her stance on his worth, at least to her. He hadn’t though, which brought a bit of relief, wanting his comfort even if she didn’t ask for it. She pined for his warmth and affection so much right now, to melt away all the feelings she was feeling and didn’t want to. Those thoughts would be placed on hold though when he begged her to live, not to die and that was a tipping point for her as tears finally reached her eye then, batting them away before they could have a chance to fall. It took a few moments for her to process the request before silently chuckling, feeling a little uncomfortable in a way she couldn’t explain. It wasn’t so much a bad discomfort but an uncertain one.

“It probably sounds silly but I’ve always found living harder than dying,” she admitted as she looked down to avoid eye contact for a few moments as she thought for a few moments. Slowly that gaze would move back to his, searching his eyes for something even though she wasn’t sure what she was looking for. “But…I’ll live for you if you promise to always live for me too.” She wasn’t sure what to expect besides maybe laughter or confusion, not taking anything she said seriously because to her it all sounded so foolish. Embarrassing to let him take a peek into thoughts no one else knew.

When she had switched the topic to one of violence toward others, her ears tipped back until his nose gently pressed into hers and eased some of her ire. The answer was easy enough for her. “The same type I put out of their misery for everyone’s sake. The ones that make my job worth going back to,” she said, surprising herself a little after so many times of thinking of retiring. It seemed at this moment, she felt like her job meant something even more than ever before. A means to get the outcome she wanted and to be the one to drop the guillotine on those that violated her family in so many ways. Her bloodthirst was rampant, her desire to see heads roll insatiable for revenge on those that made her husband cry and took away loved ones.

That fuel to her own fire would run out when talk of leaving came to the forefront and she stared at him for a long while, not having any immediate answer for him. Leaving hadn’t been on her mind since she had settled in, having grown comfortable with having those to rely on closeby instead of a day’s trip away. “I-” she started and stopped on a dime, her tail coiling around her side, brow scrunching for a moment.

“At first I had wanted to go home. I liked our cozy little hobble in the woods away from everything and I anticipated going back to it once the war ended because I knew you were uncomfortable with it as a whole and I can’t blame you for that. Khepri…” she took a breath, slowly sitting up more with her forelimbs still on the cushion. She’d shuffle a little till his head was between her arms so she could bury her muzzle gently against the top of his head, hugging him close. “I think it’s safer here for at least a little bit longer, until they are grown enough to protect themselves. If you can bear it, my love. If you can’t-” she cooed softly, nuzzling tenderly against his ear that wasn’t damaged. She broke off in hopes she wouldn’t have to give her alternative to that, but she readied it in case he said no.

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khepri tiamat

“It probably sounds silly but I’ve always found living harder than dying,” she admitted, avoiding eye contact as she did so. His gaze remained on her until she would look back up at him. “But…I’ll live for you if you promise to always live for me too.” He smiled warmly and leaned forward so their foreheads touched. "I already do... for you and the kids," he promised. He understood well why she found living so difficult. Her life had been traumatic just like his though in very different ways. Together they unburdened themselves with one another and he hoped she felt as comfortable with him as he did with her. It was fleeting, but for a moment he forgot about the dead and instead let thoughts of Sif and the children fill his mind. Their lives may have had bumps along the way up to now but all in all... he was a very lucky and very happy man.

He leaned back, pulling away so they could continue to look at one another. His torn ear would flick when she mentioned her job being worth going back to and he wondered if what had happened to Haskell had been the thing to change her mind from retirement.

"Second guessing stepping away from that life?" he asked curiously.

He would not fault her for staying or going, it was up to her what she wanted to do in her career. "I support you, either way." he said with a soft smile.

As conversation carried on, they began to talk about whether or not they should leave the manse. It was nice to talk about something other than death, to get his mind off everything if only for a few moments. She stammered at first, her tail curling up beside her as she looked to be in thought. He only watched her in warm silence, waiting for her input. He would not simply leave her and the children behind, obviously. And with everything had had happened to Hask and the with the war it was safer here. Would his children even want to return to a home they really didn't know? It would be all for him, in a way, and he was just not selfish enough to do that to his family as much as he wanted to get away from the ghosts of his past. There were ghosts there too, he guessed, like Rose and Lia... he tilted his muzzle downward until Sif began to speak and then he looked back up again. It seemed, like him, she'd wanted to go home after the dust settled but now, like him again, she was having second thoughts. But she didn't want to force him to stay here if he couldn't. He swallowed as she brushed against his uninjured side and he leaned into her touch slightly.

"For you, and for them... I can stay. It's safer here. Maybe someday we'll return to Melrose , when the children can care for themselves and choose where their lives will take them. It's just safer here for all of us than it is out there. We would have been in the midst of the fighting, had we stayed." he told her, swallowing the lumps in his aching throat.

Khepri could not imagine what would have happened then; and he did not want to. He closed his eyes and trembled for a second before shaking his head to rid himself of the thoughts. He couldn't think of Hask and Sheik being in the middle of that fight like he had been. They would not have survived it and their last moments would have been filled with terror.

"I do wonder what they'll end up doing." he said, trying to change the subject to a lighter topic for his own sake and sanity.

"We are all young and naive still."

SIF ASGAUT

Tears would well into her eye again as he proclaimed a promise had already been made just not spoken, causing her to stare at him for a few moments before those tears would fall with the weight of the world within them. She was trying to stay strong for him, to be the force he needed and not just someone to add to his already rising burdens that day had brought. To hear that he possibly had the same issue with her, to hate life so much that he wished to separate from it entirely, it hit her in a way that cracked that last bit of self control. She had known for a long time he wasn’t whole, he coped in similar ways but she never thought that life itself was a crushing force as it was for her. “Oh… Khepri, you idiot,” she huffed, trying to cease the tears that had already started. Her tail thrashed, trying to bring back the anger instead of the sorrow but it was already well too late for that. A sigh escaped her as she bumped her forehead against his. “It seems we are often the same kind of idiot but that’s okay, there is no one else I would rather be a broken idiot with,” she chuckled weakly.

It was okay to be vulnerable, especially with him.

Work hadn’t been a topic she had wanted to dive into right now but her gaze would divert when he prodded at it, not really even sure herself if that was the destiny she craved to venture. An ear flicked to his statement of support, shaking her head. “We can discuss what is best for me later… admittedly I just want to go back for revenge if they ever end up in the cells. That’s probably the worst reason to want to go back.” That was exactly the kind of jailer she hated, so was she really willing to go to the same lengths of the very kind of workers she hated so much. It might not be worth it and at the moment revenge shouldn’t be her top goal right now.

Her family mattered more than trying to seek out those she wanted dead. War would never end if everyone did that, it would keep going until everyone was dead in this world.

Ears would splay at the thought of what would have happened to them all if they didn’t take Nassar’s invitation and allowed Khepri to be selfish to preserve all of his sanity. Not that she saw him as selfish but in a sense, it could be seen that way to anyone else. “It’s thanks to your sister. Without her, our kids might be gasping their last breaths right now too. She was a guardian angel and that’s another reason leaving feels wrong. She wouldn’t want us to leave, she’d want us surrounded by family forever and always. I think we owe her that wish for her sacrifices,” she instantly regretted speaking then, but every word was genuine as she shivered in place for a moment. She wouldn’t take it back and her shoulders relaxed a little, resting into him.

She had so many questions she wanted to ask about the war now that he was stable but he was clearly trying to redirect the conversation away from it. Maybe she should let him recover for a few days before slicing open those wounds but wouldn’t it be better to get it out of the way now? She wasn’t sure and it made her hesitate and play along with his question instead of redirecting him back to the more important topic she wanted to delve into.

“Sheik hasn’t mentioned any aspirations as far as I’ve noticed…as for Haskell, he’s already learning some from the fire workers. I think that is already a fate he has sealed for himself,” she smiled faintly, in a way happy he wasn’t running off to be a soldier. She wanted someone to carry on both family legacies but safety away from danger was worth not seeing that happen.

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khepri tiamat

Khepri noticed the tears in her eyes and wondered just what it was that he'd said to trigger them. As he was about to reach for her, she huffed and called him and idiot. His ears perked slightly in surprise but then she carried on and he let out a quiet, weak laugh of his own as their foreheads bumped together. He ended up reaching out anyways and placing a paw on hers, gently kissing her cheek before she drew away and they began to discuss her work more briefly.

He only nodded in understanding at her words, vengeance would only beget more violence as much as he wanted to exact it on those who had stolen the lives of his loved ones.

The conversation would shift again, back to his sister, and he felt a pang of distress all over again. It was because of Nassar's urging and the fact that he'd had young children to care for that they had returned to the manse at all. If it had just been himself he'd have stayed and faced the consequences on his own but with a family to care for he could not be so selfish. He hadn't expected Sif to say such a thing about her, however, and it took him a little by surprise. He watched her for a moment, with slightly furrowed brows before speaking. "I..." he began, but could not gather the words as he felt rather defeated. If it was the ghost of his sister he was up against, he would always lose. He could not compete with what might've been her last wishes. "I suppose..." he murmured.

His gaze would rest upon her as she spoke of Sheik not yet having expressed a direction, which was fine. "She might be like me and not find her calling till later in life, though I hope she doesn't go through the same things I did to get there." he mused softly. Haskell was different, he expressed interest in pyromancy at a young age and perhaps that was the direction life would take him in. Khepri was proud his son had found something that interested him but worried about the dangers it posed, naturally.

He began to trail off into thought as the sadness returned and thoughts of Nassar, Leoric and Illaria seeped back in. He was not able to keep them at bay for long and he drew a weary breath as he looked back to Sif now. He knew she must have a lot of questions but appreciated that she did not ask them yet. He had not been ready before but he supposed he'd never be quite ready to recall the horrors he'd witnessed.

"I'd like to rest in here tonight and then tomorrow I'll see the children, once my wounds have scabbed over a bit..." he told her. He didn't want to put them at unease but he couldn't avoid them till he was healed. That would take far too long.

"We are all young and naive still."

SIF ASGAUT

His little affections were comforting, lacing fingers with his, as well as paws could do so when he reached for her hand. A whimsical breathy giggle sounded as he placed a kiss upon her cheek, leaning into it before pressing one of her own against brow. It didn’t take much for her to blink the tears from her eyes as she focused on the fact she still had him. Had the kids. If what he said was true, she wouldn’t be losing any of them soon, so long as Aurora wasn’t doing anything reckless, that urge to find her still creeping up along her spine. She wasn’t a little kid anymore, though, it was about the only thing keeping her from chasing her eldest. That childish disregard for bad decisions should be well gone from the girl, especially one so wise. So she hoped.

The way he froze up, his voice fading away, she realized she may have gone too far after all. A sigh would be noticeable along the entirety of her body as she took in and out the air, deciding not to press on any further on that subject. That weak acceptance made her feel a little bad, not wanting to guilt him into feeling like he had to be here, it wasn’t fair to him. She would try to break away and give a happy thought. “When the dust settles, you and Hask are healed up, we take the kids to visit my home? Get a breath of fresh air away from the manse and these painful memories. Let them see my heritage instead of only the one of flame yours imbues while we get some time of our own,” she smiled softly, giving him another kiss if he let her.

She just wanted to see him happy instead of suffering, she preferred when he was all smiles if it were possible. That was the only thought in her mind as a possible option right now.

Her ears flicked when he held on tight to talking about their little naive daughter who surprisingly stayed out of the most trouble out of all of their children so far. “Maybe. If she never finds one, that would be okay too. If all else fails, maybe she can take after my father and be an amazing bard to make others smile. Might have to work on her singing voice though,” she mused, remembering when Nassar talked of one of them growing up to be the town crier. She couldn’t remember which it was at the moment, but Sheik had potential to be someone that moved others with her voice in one way or another. Where she knew the Tiamats likely expected a warrior out of her, she couldn’t see the girl taking that route in life but she was still young, impressionable and learning. Only time would tell where her life might take her. “At least they are both healthy and free. That’s more than I could ever ask for,” a somber smile touched even her eyes, happy neither had her life or one like Aurora.

They weren’t prisoners, they weren’t sick. They were two children with a future and no restraints, and she was keen on keeping it that way.

She’d nod in understanding. “Of course. Sheik will already be heartbroken…I promised her neither of us would get hurt. I don’t know how either will handle any of this." she let out a breath, exasperated before she'd think of the present for now. "Do you want me to stay with you here or do you need to be alone?” she asked softly, ready to prepare things as needed for his comfort. She hoped he would keep her, but she would understand if he needed to express himself without her.

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khepri tiamat

Moments like these were what kept him going; they were like another level of addiction he was all to happy to partake in. He chuckled softly as she giggled and kisses his brow. He wanted to grasp her face and kiss her more deeply, but he was too weak to let himself get too wrapped up like that. He didn't want to frustrate himself, or her. So he let the small kisses and touches suffice.

She told him then that when everything settled and he and Hask were better, they'd go to her home for a day out... some fresh air, so to speak.

"Mér þætti vænt um það." (I'd love that.) he murmured, testing the language she had been teaching him and the children. He wasn't very fluent but he did his best to use it here and there so that he could learn it better. "I think that's a wonderful idea." he added in his own language. A trip to the Lowlands might be just what they needed after all was said and done.

As Sif began talking of Sheik again, he nodded, finding her words comforting at least. He let out a laugh at her comment on her singing voice, finding it rather amusing. He'd never known Sheik to sing now but when she'd been younger she'd been quite the loud mouth. She was more of a talker now. Either way, if she never found a purpose that would be fine with him. Living a simple life was hard for some but easy for others and maybe that was just her calling-- to live and enjoy life. He would suggest the college to her at some point, of course, but if she had no interest in that he would not be heartbroken. He didn't want to force upon her any one lifestyle like his own mother had tried to do to him. He'd rather had her a part of his life than bitter and estranged like his eldest daughter.

"Yes, that's all I really want for them. To be happy and healthy and free." He agreed readily with her latter comment. His expression shifted to a more somber one when she told him her promise that they would not get hurt. He looked down at his paws and shook his head. "I shouldn't have been there... it was stupid to go," he said with a sigh. He knew she might not agree with the sentiment aloud but in her head she might. He didn't fault her for that, he wished he hadn't been there... then maybe he would have one less thing to haunt his dreams at night. Her question brought him back from those thoughts and he placed a paw on hers. "I'd like you to stay. I don't want to be alone." he said, his voice cracking slightly almost as if he were pleading with her not to leave.

"We are all young and naive still."

SIF ASGAUT

Her ears flicked forward as he spoke her native tongue, staring at him in surprise before her ears tucked and a sheepish smile took hold of her features against her will. "Nú er varla tíminn til að tæla mig..."(Now is hardly the time to seduce me…) she teased lightly, finding someone outside of herself speaking what seemed like a dead language now perhaps a bit more arousing than she should. It made her heart flutter, her breath hitch to speak it back and be completely understood. So much happiness blossomed that he had even bothered to try to learn, let alone actually use it with her outside of lessons. She couldn’t help her tail from thumping on the ground underneath her as she avoided looking him in the eyes, but her gaze hovered lovingly at his lips, pressing a kiss there after a few long moments. Even bloody and damaged, he was no less beautiful to her, it only made her heart weep for him.

She would fall silent after her thoughts on their daughter, feeling like there was nothing more for her to really say than she already had. The freedom to choose was the biggest gift of all, something neither her nor Khepri had been graced with as a child. Expectations tore them both down and she knew before he confirmed it, that was all he would want for the both of them too. Happiness mattered more than tradition, though she couldn’t help a small chuckle to herself as she thought about how past she would have thought so opposite. She wasn’t the same as she was as a child or even a year ago because she was free now and it was thanks to the man in front of her that it was the case. If it wasn’t for him, she’d still be in that dark place, torturing herself to only live for Aurora’s sake or perhaps she wouldn’t be here at all.

There was no point to think about that now, knowing her mind could wander into holes she didn’t want to jump into when stress already weighed her shoulders down. Thankfully he would gain her attention then and she’d let out an amused tsk. “Helping others is never stupid, Khep. You were doing a good thing, and from the looks of it, you fought valiantly. I think even your mother would be proud right now, as am I,” she said gently, offering a warm smile before sitting up more. He lived up to the Tiamat name even if he didn’t want to.

Taking in a breath, she would nod but slip her upper frame off the couch, starting to head toward the door. “I must get things situated with the little ones and inform Belfast of the circumstances. I’ll be right back and… we can talk more,” she hesitated, warning him she would be asking him for details when she returned for the night now that he seemed more put together, both literally and metaphorically.

The door would click closed behind her.

-sif exits to set up a nanny for the kids-

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khepri tiamat

It was her teasing words that brought forth a small smile to his lips and he simply looked back at her lovingly; he was glad to make her happy though seducing her in the moment had been far from his intentions. Amusement twinkled in his honey brown eyes as he looked at her, wanting to say more but refraining. His wounds were too grievous for anything strenuous. It seemed like she was starting to fall into thought, anyway, and so his mind too did wander.

He was about to go down another hole when she spoke again. He looked up into her eye as she spoke of his mother and told him she was proud of him. His smile faltered slightly at the thought of his mother and he had to wonder if she truly would be proud of him for fighting. He'd been fighting for his life, not for valor or any of that so he wasn't sure she'd consider it worthy enough. Then again, who was he to claim to know her after being estranged for so long. She could have changed over the years, though he doubted that very much, it was not entirely impossible. "Thank you," he murmured softly as she sat up.

She slid off the couch and told him she was to make arrangements with the children then she'd return and they would talk more.

He swallowed and nodded his head, wondering just what she'd ask him to talk about. He assumed she wanted to hear more about the fighting and his stomach churned a bit. The door clicked shut behind her and he was left alone.

He didn't want to talk about the fighting or the deaths anymore but he supposed it was better to talk about it rather than keep it inside to fester. He knew as well as anyone with trauma that that never really worked in your favor. He resituated himself on the sofa to get more comfortable and then rested his head in his paws. Aurora had done a fine job patching up his wounds and they had stopped bleeding, thankfully. He wondered idly if he'd gain any scars from this and in vain he hoped he wouldn't. He didn't want the reminders of what had happened every time he saw his reflection.

"We are all young and naive still."

SIF ASGAUT

Half way into settling her children into bed, explaining some of the circumstances, she would realize something dire on her mind as she entered the office where she had left her husband once she was done. She had not lied about Khepri being injured and she did not sugar coat Nassar would not be returning and perhaps that was clear on her visage as she looked around the room, an anguish in her eye. She rather that they hear it from her, than it travels to them from another’s mouth, such as one of the maids. The desire to be there for her kids was playing a balancing act with the need to care for her husband whom she promised separation from already, wishing she could be two wolves at once to tend to them both. It seemed like they didn’t understand what death meant, which only helped allow her release from having to console them, but the way Sheik reacted to hearing that her father was injured made her stomach turn.

A relieved sigh did escape her when she saw Khepri was still whole and wasn’t moving around like a fool, causing even her tail to sway with an innate happiness. That anguish was replaced with a melting warmth with him still being alive, it was more than enough to calm her heart and bait anxiety away. Such a rush of happiness would be quickly thwarted when reality returned and answers were needed.

“Khepri…is the war ongoing? Have the Jacobites infiltrated our home?” The words were strained and pressing, demanding for him to answer as she stood in front of the sofa peering up at him. She didn’t say the other question that came with all that. If she needed to fight and protect those she loved. She didn't’ wish to upset him but the soldier in her needed to know. If three wolves at minimum had died, then it sounded like their side was losing severely and she was more than ready to fight if she had to in order to ensure no one else died, especially more family members.

Were their children actually safe with a maid? How much danger was Aurora in had she run toward Melrose and not home? She needed him to say they were fine because her chest felt like it was ready to burst, even if her gaze was stoic as the captain she once was.

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