[ P ] Spare a coin

It was dark. The sun had set ages ago and she had been here hours before. Like a statue, she had stared at the crumbling steps leading up to Anteros' manor. Her thoughts had traveled aimlessly, drifting from wonders of how he had accumulated such wealth to the horror of her daughter's incarceration. Occasionally, a sharp pain from her right leg would cause her to grit her teeth and focus only on her swollen right limb. Since leaping into the violent protest, Kylar had undone all of the progress she'd made toward strengthening and healing. Her haphazard whacking of that one student as well as her trundling through the streets on all four paws through an adrenaline haze had caused her to refracture the wound. And, now, she was feeling older than ever. It was harder to leave their little garden in the lowlands and harder still to think that she'd participated in an affair in which her daughter had been a member of the opposing forces. Kylar still recalled seeing Willow there in the court room. As a sympathizer, she'd been pardoned for her participation. But Willow... it was too difficult to bear. Fresh tears welled in her eyes but she blinked them back. They needed to get Willow out. A season was much too long to leave their girl in there, no matter the law. And so Kylar stood here, willing herself to find the courage to knock on his door. Nephele didn't know she was here. If Kylar had any luck, Neph would never know. This would just be a nest egg Kylar had been saving as a surprise. But the thought of lying... It ate at her deeply, horribly. But she also couldn't be sure that Nephele would agree to taking a single cent from Anteros. Desperation made her impulsive and, with those thoughts in mind, she finally crossed the street and mounted the steps to his manor. Once there, she hesitated for only a second before rapping her paw against the aged wood. Water dripped from her fur and she looked like a soggy mess from the rain. Idly, she tried to clear some of the droplets from her face so that she'd appear more "presentable". Alas, her efforts bore little fruit. “my sin, my soul.” “my sin, my soul.”

STOCK ➤CastleGraphics ART + CODE ➤ twisty

@Anteros

He heard the commotion, he knew what was going on in the streets and he found it best to stay in the confinement of his home where it was safe, and quiet. The days were long and not working for the past days proved to take a toll on him, but he refused to see what was going on the outside. The less he knew the better, he felt. Finding he was already somewhat guilty due to being one of the providers of the weaponry that the army used. It was his career, the thing he knew best and it was being used for things he did not believe. If he did not work he didn’t make money and if he didn’t make money then he really had nothing. There was no family to pass his wealth too which is why he had been able to accumulate so much of it. That was what happened when one was lonely and it was true money didn’t buy happiness.

The wind stirred outside he could hear the fluttering against the frame of the house along with something else. Was that…a knock? Brows furrowed for a moment in confusion as he was not explicating any kind of company. The rain began to patter against the roof and the threat of a thunderstorm rolled overhead. Anteros stood and walked to the door, hesitant for a second that perhaps it was someone from the army requesting his services. Regardless he opened it and he was surprised to see who was on the other end.

”Kylar?” his heart dropped to his stomach as he looked behind her, but she was alone ”Please, come in,” he moved over so she could escape the rain, closing the door behind her promptly. ”Are you okay?” it wasn’t like her to seek him out, not since well, a long time ago for good reason. There had to be something to cause her to come to him and he was almost certain it wasn’t for any exchange of apologies.

"speech"

Had it really been so long? Kylar braced herself for the door to open. Age old flutters filled her heart, that of nervous energy and unsaid words. Of love that had been made, broken, and gingerly taped into different shape. She thought of how weak she had been in front of him. How unfeeling. How desperately she had once snuggled into his fur, so dependent on him. But, in all of those memories, he was a young man. His fur hadn't become speckled with salt and pepper, there were no fine lines upon his handsome face. The man that stood in front of her was much older. Not exactly haggard but... not radiating happiness either. If anything, he looked only, as if the company he kept was restricted solely to the furnishings within his home. A second later, she wondered what she looked like. If she had aged beyond the woman in his memories—if he thought of her at all. He invited her in and she made her way, her limp far more pronounced than when she'd been younger. Once inside, however, she was reticent to leave the entrance. Rain still dripped down from her fur. She turned to catch his bright, smoldering gaze and her lip wobbled. “Anteros...” Almost immediately, her eyes welled with tears. Predominantly due to the thought of her baby in Yorkshire's dungeon, but partially because of the gut reflex of relying on him again. It had been so long, they had endured so many obstacles, and yet she felt the same old gut reaction to melt into a puddle and ask him to pick up the pieces. To take care of her. “They imprisoned my baby,” she choked out before a fresh sob escaped from her lips. Kylar swallowed heavily and blinked back the fresh deluge of tears. “Willow, my daughter. She's, she's—” immediately Kylar began to falter, unsure of what description to give, of what he might need. Did he even know she'd had children? How would he feel? Would he help her? The questions wouldn't stop. “my sin, my soul.” “my sin, my soul.”

STOCK ➤CastleGraphics ART + CODE ➤ twisty

@Anteros

Not once did his gaze leave her, from the moment he opened the door until she stepped inside. He could not help but to fixate upon her features. She looked different, but not in the way he would associate as bad what so ever, but she certainly had aged. Hadn't they both? He called it experience. Every grey hair that painted his maw told a story, one he wouldn't choose to rewrite even if he was offered it. She was still the same Kylar he knew, soft on the eyes, gentle. She was still as beautiful as he had thought her to be years ago, but with more experience. When he looked at her though he also saw Nephele, and he knew better then to stop on any toes. Even in sadness she was still radiant, and the gut feeling he always felt when around her returned. It had been so long, so much went on between the time they were once in love until now and yet she still held a spot in his heart he didn't know existed, but she wasn't here to rekindle the flame whose spark had finally died.

His name on her tongue, it was all too familiar, but he could see the worry that riddled her brow alongside it. He didn't interject, instead he listened to every word until the last one dripped from her lips. Imprisonment. They imprisoned Willow, the girl he had met, the one who reminded him of her mother, the one who asked if he was who provided the seed. The thought of her was still fresh, and kind, but she was snatched by the guards and thrown into a prison despite her young age. The threat of tears filled her eyes and he was no fool to know she wanted to break down and yet, she tried to remain strong. He could feel the lump form in his throat, the banter between his head and heart began to feel heavy. The desire to embrace her ate him alive, but the hesitation was stronger.

He knew her then, but he didn't know her now. The boundaries they were once able to test with one another no longer held the same rules in this very moment. "I met Willow, she was kind, funny even..." Kylar knew him well enough to know he was sincere, though there wasn't a smile or grin that tugged against his lips. "She looks like you, and shes witty like you as well," this thought brought a short lived smile, but he moved on. "Tell me what you need from me, what I can do to make it right?" He gulped back the lump in his throat, the desire to tell her he owed her that much hung heavy on his tongue, but he held it back. Before she would speak he interjected, thinking twice about what he asked of her.

"I assume they want coin for a bail," he inhaled softly. He knew it was hard enough for her be here, never mind tell him she needed the coin to release her daughter from imprisonment. Anteros nodded, a gentle smile formed as he walked away temporarily to retrieve a bag which was more than enough for what she needed, he was sure. He did nothing with it, there was no one to spend it on nor was he a man who enveloped himself in material things. "We need not speak about, or mention it," he nudged her shoulder with his cold nose, "you're a good mother, the kind I always knew you would be." His gaze lingered on her, the softness behind it was all she would need to know he meant every word.

"speech"

Love was a tricky, powerful thing. It burned so brightly that it could never fully fade, not entirely. Even when the spark "died", it left burn marks on the heart, reminding the one before of what was whether or not they wanted to relive it all. Looking at Anteros, she felt her heart swell—not with love so much as the remembrance of it. It would occur to her later, once her daughter was safe, that she had spent so many of her recent years hating him that she hadn't stopped to interrogate why. In the reality of it all, the why was simple. It had nothing to do with Sanada, or the Sanctuary, or any other complication. In the end, it had been because she had loved him so deeply that any misstep had cut her to the core—and she hadn't been able to communicate with him well enough. Blame it on immaturity, blame it on youth, but they'd had something beautiful that they'd shattered. But that didn't mean that it needed to stay broken. He had made a separate life for himself, one in which he had prospered financially at least. She had found love and rehabilitation with Nephele—love that didn't burn and bite but instead glowed like a hearthfire after a storm. Her loss of love in Anteros didn't need to be filled, instead, with hate. There could be forgiveness... friendship. Or, at least, an acquaintanceship. Something that acknowledged how important he had been to her without constantly rejecting him for having, once in his life, made a mistake. Seeing him soften in her time of need made her realize that. He had wronged her once, yes. But by refusing to forgive him, she had been wronging him too. ... Her ears perked when he mentioned knowing Willow. The shock dried some of her tears briefly, although fresh ones filled her eyes at his next comment. "She looks like you, and shes witty like you as well." Her lip wobbled slightly, an odd regret in her heart. It was... painful and dissonant to stand in front of him, speaking of the family that she had and would never trade, while knowing that there was an alternate future in which this family would have been theirs. The flash of guilt she felt was instinctive but she brushed it away. She didn't need to feel guilty for falling in love again. But part of her did wonder why there was no one else in his home. Why... he didn't seem to have found a woman to replace her. Was it her fault? The question was too difficult to ignore. When he offered to help, Kylar closed her eyes. She felt relief wash over her—and more guilt. The voice in her head got louder. Did I ruin his life? Do I deserve his help? It crashed around her skull, screaming, yelling—only to be suppressed by Anteros' voice again. "I assume they want coin for a bail." Kylar knew she didn't deserve his help. But Willow did. Willow was every good part of Kylar with none of the bad. When he returned with a small cloth bag, Kylar bit a tooth into her cheek and the fresh taste of iron helped her steel herself. Before she took it, she met his gentle gaze with her tired one. “Thank you Anteros, truly, I will pay you back every cent.” "you're a good mother, the kind I always knew you would be." ... She looked down at the ground, swallowed, then looked back up. Her expression was pained as she took him in. “I'm sorry... for everything,” Kylar breathed, voice shaking. “You've saved my life more times than I can count. You were my first friend, my first love, the first wolf that I ever respected.” Her brow creased as she tried to find the meaning she wanted to convey to him. It was difficult given her jumbled thoughts. “You deserve to have someone, Anteros. To be loved... I'm sorry that I wasn't the one. And it's not my place to say—we've been estranged for so long and I've done nothing but reject you over the last few years—but I... really hope that you aren't punishing yourself for my sake.” Kylar blinked back tears and gave her head a little shake. “This must sound so presumptuous of me, I'm terribly sorry. ” “my sin, my soul.” “my sin, my soul.”

STOCK ➤CastleGraphics ART + CODE ➤ twisty

@Anteros

There was a long silence shared between them, and he could see by the shift in her features that coming to him was hard for her to do. He understood it. Had he been in her position he was sure he would have felt the same, but he hoped at least she did not feel the discomfort of being around him. Never would he turn Kylar away, not then and not now, though a long time ago he made a mistake—one that left him with nothing. Not a lover, and not a friend. The man he chose to save no longer stood at his side and he had given up the one woman he loved for it. Though in the moment he did not think it to be a decision that would change his life so dramatically, but alas, here they were.

As she took the coin she assured him she would pay it all back, but he shook his head. "There is no need, truly," there was nothing, no one to use it on, "save it for your family, please." If he knew anything about her he knew for certain she was stubborn, that even if she paid it until her dying day she would do so, but he didn't want it. He hadn't given her his life savings and coin was only something material to him. He spent it here and there, mostly on food and enjoyable things, but nothing that really fulfilled him. By giving her the coin and knowing it was going to a place to save her daughter, he felt all the fulfillment he needed with that thought alone.

A heavy inhale filled his lungs with air, releasing slowly from his nostrils while he studied her. She grew quiet again and he thought that was it, she would part and be on her way and they would see each other again...maybe.

I'm sorry... for everything.

A brow furrowed, a silent confusion swept over him. He was going to interject and ask her what she was sorry for, but she continued.

You've saved my life more times than I can count. You were my first friend, my first love, the first wolf that I ever respected.

He could not deny the weight that took over his heart, dropping it down to the pits of his stomach. An apology was not at all what he expected, nor did he feel like he deserved it. Hearing the words from Kylar's lips was the very last thing he thought she would say, and in all the time they had grown apart he believed she felt what she felt about him and it was valid. He never hated her for it, he never resented her in their time apart. Anteros was aware for some time she had shied away, not wanting to see him and he understood why. He let her down, he disappointed her, a far worse thing than anger itself. His lips parted to speak, to stop her before she continued, but there was more.

You deserve to have someone, Anteros.

He blinked, his gaze drifting to the floor.

To be loved... I'm sorry that I wasn't the one.

There was a feeling stirring in him that he felt only one time before. It was when he knew he was losing her, when she was slipping from his grasp as she was taking her final departure from his life. Since then he never imagined his life with someone else in it. Not once did he fancy the idea of having a woman to love him the way she had, and for him to love her in return. It made sense to him that perhaps he was a man who was only meant to feel it once, pushing away the idea that the pain of losing them was worth taking the risk again. He cleared his throat, his heart hammered in the depths of his chest and his cheeks grew hot. He still was not looking at her, he couldn't. Tears threatened to swell his eyes, she'd never seen him cry and he didn't want her too. Again he cleared his throat, trying to choke it back.

I... really hope that you aren't punishing yourself for my sake.

Was he?

Finally he was able to find her gaze again and he was no fool. He knew she would see the threat of the tears, but he had a hard time acting as though her words didn't hurt. She didn't mean it—he was aware, but it was deeper than anything he expected. "I—," what did he even want to say? "I don't think I can love anyone the way I loved you, Kylar. You taught me a lot. How to regulate my emotions and understand them. You were patient with me," he shrugged softly, "I don't think I have it in me to try again. Nor do I think I want to." He was always honest, never once did he lie to her and even now when he owed her nothing, he still couldn't find it in him to do so. He didn't want her to worry about him, she had her own life and the last thing he wanted was to be in the back of her mind. The easiest way was to lie, to tell her he was happy and that even maybe he did find someone else.

But it wasn't true, and he had to stay true to himself.

"I am alone because I choose to be, but that is not your burden," he offered her a short lived smile, one he was sure she was familiar with. "I am content knowing you are happy, that's all I ever wanted for you. It is me who owes you an apology. I am sorry that I didn't give you the life you deserved, the safety and security I promised you, but I'm so glad you have it now, and more." He looked down at his paws again, "I met Nephele," a small smile tugged at his lips, a bittersweet feeling. "She is good," he found her orange gaze. "I think you're going to be just fine." And again his gaze would drift, his cheeks still warm and his throat still pained.







"speech"

The thought of not paying him back left a sour taste on her tongue and her expression scrunched up tellingly. He'd be able to tell her unwillingness and, considering her knew her so well, would equally notice that stubborness warring with her desire to acknowledge his wishes. If he didn't want to be paid back, pride be damned, then she shouldn't. But, by god, it didn't feel right to not settle their debts. Regardless of their history, Kylar wished to not think of the cloth pouch resting between them whenever she saw him in the future. By that same token, however, she didn't want to inconvenience him even more by paying him in pennies month by month. If only her internal war over repayment was the only one she was facing. But alas, she left such safe pastures behind. She jumped headlong into the ocean, overstepping her bounds as an ex-lover as she dived into one of the most intrusive comments she had ever made in her life. Regret gripped her as she stared at him, both knowing that she should look away and give him time to process while simultaneously being unable to. Emotion stormed within the corner of his gaze that she could see. Emotions that made her chest tighten. Instinctively, Kylar felt the urge to go to his side, to try and soothe that pain—but she knew better than to do so. If she wiped his tears she would only be digging a knife into his side. They wouldn't notice the wound in the moment but it'd weep with blood when she left his doorstep to return home to Nephele at night. And Kylar knew that she stood here under Nephele's trust and faith. Even if comforting Anteros was not a direct insult to her marriage, she would not test those boundaries. When at last he turned back to her, she met his glassy gaze with one of her own. As always, Kylar was an open book, one that never failed to cry—especially in front of him. "I don't think I can love anyone the way I loved you, Kylar. You taught me a lot. How to regulate my emotions and understand them. You were patient with me. I don't think I have it in me to try again. Nor do I think I want to." She couldn't help but frown before looking down at her paws. It was hard to listen while being unable to fix anything. He went on to explain that he was alone by choice, that her happiness was all that he'd ever wanted. When he finished, it was with an apology and his acknowledgment of Nephele. Kylar swallowed then, lashes fluttering as she squeezed her eyes shut to pat down the tears that threatened to rise in her eyes. “I wasn't always patient,” Kylar murmured then, remembering how she had exploded when Anteros had first announced to her that Sanada would be staying in the Sanctuary. Rather than try to reason with him, she had announced her hatred in turn. Then she had left oh so swiftly, abandoning everything they'd built. After a moment, she lifted her eyes to his and answered his wane smile with one of her own. “We fought and squabbled like kids—because we were.” She sucked in a shaky breath, one that helped to calm her beating heart if only by a little bit. “It's a kind of love you don't forget—but it shouldn't be the only one you ever experience. With Nephele, I can be an idiot and she'll gently bring me back to reality. I can make mistakes and she'll patiently fix them—and she's taught me to have patience too. Real, loving, unconditional patience.” Her gaze softened as she thought of her wife, of her partner. “Far be it from me to tell you what to do, I gave up that right. I just...” Kylar stepped forward and hovered, unsure if she should take his paw, hug him, or just scurry away. “I want you to know that you're welcome to that happiness if you want it. If it's not time, that's okay. I just... want you to be happy, too.” In the end, she settled on the hug. If he was willing, she'd gingerly hobble forward and guide him into an embrace that was only slightly awkward. She'd give him a squeeze before stepping back. “I'm sorry again for icing you out—and I want you to know that we do not need to continue living as strangers. You are welcome in my home and my family's lives, you don't need to be entirely alone, even if a new relationship isn't something you are ready for yet.” “my sin, my soul.” “my sin, my soul.”

STOCK ➤CastleGraphics ART + CODE ➤ twisty

@Anteros

I wasn't always patient.

His gaze lingered on her as she spoke, a silence breaking between the remainder of her words before she finished explaining they were young and squabbled, as well as her ability to find the needed patience with Nephele. "We were learning," he offered, and it was true. She was his first love, he knew nothing besides the love he felt for his parents and that was a different territory completely. The love he shared with her was unconditional, he put her first always...until he didn't, and thus he would learn from his mistakes. Their squabbles were maybe one-sided because he could not see himself arguing with her. His emotions were hard to regulate because he always saw the realistic side of things, the thing he thought to be fair.

But it wasn't always.

"I am sure if this life is meant for me to have someone else in it, it will be. If not," he shrugged, "at least I can say I have been able to experience what love was." She moved forward and his gaze did not leave her, the gentle placement of her hug surprised him, but he did not move away from her. The territory of her touch was familiar, and he hadn't realized how he had missed it until she presented it to him. He inhaled softly, her scent filled his nostrils and brought a sense of peace. Though her embrace did not last as long as they once were, it was nice to feel it one more time. The meeting between them was a type of closure he didn't know he needed, and in their time apart he spent countless hours wondering if he would ever have a moment like this again.

She apologized once more, though she didn't need to, but he said nothing further as she opened the doors to her life to him. It brought a small smile to his lips, but there was a slight wonder how her wife would take it given their last meeting. He wasn't sure if coming to her home was an offer he would take, but nonetheless, he was appreciative she offered it and cared enough to extend the offer to him. He nodded his head to her, his muzzle tapping at the coin purse gently. "I am glad we were able to have this conversation, truly," a bop to her shoulder would be what he would leave her off with. "I appreciate you for all that you always have been. You're a strong woman, since the very beginning, and your family is lucky to have you." He reclined back, "They're going to notice you've been missing for some time, I don't want them to worry. Would you like for me to walk you back home? The night is growing dark rather quickly." Anteros by no means was rushing her out of his home, her company at the moment felt as though it had never been lost. He knew in the silence he would miss this moment again, and forever he was sure.


exit anteros bringing her home?

"speech"

Holding him was like returning to an old puzzle and gently fitting the pieces back together. Age and the elements had bent the corners and flaked the edges such that it was no longer a perfect fit but that was no longer the value in the puzzle. It wasn't in everything clicking together nicely but instead in the remembrance of what was, the sentimentality in seeing the picture form one last time. And, also, in the knowing that you might never put it back together again. ... "at least I can say I have been able to experience what love was." Fresh tears filled her eyes and at last, one rolled down her cheek. She squeezed him tighter, knowing he could feel the wetness on his fur. “Oh, Anty,” Kylar breathed softly, using his old nickname for the first time in years. He wasn't trying to get her back—he would never dream of it. Nor would she. She had moved on and he had... come to accept it and the loneliness that came after. But that didn't mean that he would have to be entirely alone. She could no longer give him warmth and companionship at night but she could fill his days with company. Her children could help keep him young by filling his ears with questions and stories. Her wife could help him when he felt sick and she... she could be the friend he'd first found all those years ago. The plucky, too stubborn, bull-headed friend that just needed a shoulder to lean on in order to get through this life. A friend that he loved and loved him back, even if the romance had faded. They stepped away and Kylar lifted her paw with its longterm injury to brush the tears from her eyes. When she finished, there was a wane smile on her lips. "I am glad we were able to have this conversation, truly," was his response and she nodded her head in agreement. “Me too.” And she meant it. His vote of confidence filled her with strength she straightened a little. She didn't know how badly she had needed to hear that. After fighting on the opposite side as her daughter, seeing Willow getting convicted in court, and hearing her wife's disappointment over her participation... Kylar had felt horribly alone. Worse than that, she had felt like the most broken part of her family, like the black sheep destined to break things again and again. Hearing the one wolf she had hurt the most say that she was strong, and with such genuine warmth, made her laugh (and sniffle from the tears). Because once again, Anteros was dear to her. So very, very dear. She was shocked that she had ever forced herself to forget. “Thank you,” Kylar murmured after Anteros offered to walk her home. “And Anthe might be up, my second daughter. If she is, I'd love for you to meet her.” Gingerly, she hefted the coin purse and prepared to leave. Yet, despite holding its weight, she felt much, much lighter. - exit kylar - “my sin, my soul.” “my sin, my soul.”

STOCK ➤CastleGraphics ART + CODE ➤ twisty

@Anteros